The Critical 'I'

2004-08-19T22:40:00.000-04:00

THE CRITICAL BYE: 2002-2004

Two years ago today, I started this, my very first stab at blogging.

One year ago today, I took a look back at the experience.

That would make today the third anniversary for The Critical 'I'. And as I've been hinting all week, there's something to announce about that:

This blog is closing down.

And Population Statistic is opening up. Because it's always showtime, here at the edge of the stage.

The logo above is the handiwork of Julie with Moxie Design Studios. It's a taste of the job she did on the new joint, so check it out! (Everything that's not working and/or incomplete is currently my fault; hopefully soon to be fixed, and enhanced.)

I'm also switching blogging software from Blogger to Wordpress. The reasons are obvious: Blogger is great for starting off, but simply isn't robust enough for more complex content management. What's more, the recent changes indicate that it never will get robust enough--in fact, it appears to be moving in the opposite direction, with an emphasis on blogging-with-training-wheels approach. That's great, but at some point, you take the training wheels off.

So that's that. Adjust your bookmarks, hyperlinks and the like. My BlogSpot space will remain here indefinitely, until I move all the archives over. But I'll eventually install an auto-redirect script that takes you to Population Statistic.

2004-08-18T22:41:00.000-04:00

THE PHANTOM BEATLES TREASURE
Last month's news of the discovery of a suitcase full of lost Beatles artifacts prompted me to recount my simultaneous antique-store comic book find.

While my recovery of a copy of Miracleman No. 1 in downtown St. Pete was real, it appears that the "Mal Evans archive" allegedly found in Australia was not.

Basically, this is like going from "Kimota!" to "Shazbot!"

2004-08-18T21:20:00.000-04:00

REVENGE OF THE DOT-COM IPO
No profits in sight. Wispy business models. Hyper-marketing and brand promotion. VCs and underwriters lining up.

Yup, the dot-com era is back again, with Google's IPO inspiring ticker-symbol dreams for bunches of online fly-by-nights.

And just in case you forgot what it was like before the late-'90s bubble burst:

Peter S. Fader, a professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, said some companies treat their IPOs more like a marketing opportunity than a capital-raising exercise. Buying these stocks "is no different than betting on what the temperature is going to be in Tuscaloosa tomorrow," he said.

That says it all. Buying shares in these instances is more akin to funding an ad campaign than acquiring equity in an actual company. Invest wisely!

2004-08-18T20:07:00.000-04:00

FOXSPORTS.COM: A NEW NUMBER 2 IN TOWN
When Microsoft's MSN Network switched its allegiances from ESPN.com to FoxSports.com back in May, I considered it a good move--for ESPN. The Disney-owned sports network has been top dog among sports websites for so long, I didn't see what MSN brought to the party. What's more, I figured that MSN was in for a rough ride with Fox, which has made a name for itself in terms of shoddy content on its sports site.

Looks like I didn't know what I was talking about. Only a month into the marriage with MSN, FoxSports.com has seen a 360 percent increase in traffic, for a total of 10.4 million unique visitors and the No. 2 spot among sports sites. This is accompanied by a drop in traffic for No. 1 ESPN.com, from 14.1 million to 13.4 million visitors; part of that drop is attributed to the loss of the pipeline to MSN customers. All these numbers come from comScore; rival tracking service Nielsen//NetRatings shows somewhat different figures.

ESPN suddenly has some bigtime competition on its tail. I'm sure Bristol's numbers will be replenished soon, with the NFL and other fall/winter sports gearing up. And I don't expect ESPN to be knocked off its perch anytime soon; they'll make their countermoves.

I guess this underlines the advantage of having a major portal partnership that throws traffic your way. As much hype as the decentralized approach to online media consumption gets--especially with the en vogue-ness of RSS feeds--attracting eyeballs on the Web has an awfully familiar look to it.

2004-08-18T19:04:00.000-04:00

2080: EUROPE'S ENDLESS SUMMER
That's if you consider the absence of winter to be, by default, summertime. The European Environment Agency predicts that global warming will put an end to cold-weather winters in Europe some eighty years from now.

I hate snow. This climatic shift is as good a reason as any for me to relocate Euro-side! Oh wait, by 2080 I'll be dead. Bummer.

As Hurricane Charley's unexpected path showed, meteorological prognostication is more speculation than science. So I'm not taking this report as gospel. Past predictions for long-term Euro-weather included both a tropical England and a colder Continent.

2004-08-18T18:34:00.000-04:00

LAZY COMMENTING FOR PLUGS
I've got no problem with people using commenting and trackback functions as a way to spread the word for their own sites. It's at least a secondary function of these instruments--the primary function being, ostensibly, feedback.

However, do it right. The right way is to offer a pertinent, even thoughtful, note about the particular post that's attached to the comment box, and along with your URL (even incidentally so). The wrong way is to just paste your URL along with a sub-sentence along the lines of, "Check my site", without any contribution to the post subject.

The right way is much appreciated. The wrong way will be deleted every time, and the chance of me visiting that site decreases dramatically.

2004-08-18T18:23:00.000-04:00

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, TO-MOR-ROW
Yeah, you know it boy! It will all be revealed tomorrow.

Are you excited? You're not? 'Cause I'm not. (Actually, I am.)

2004-08-17T23:49:00.000-04:00

BELIEF IN GOD, OR BELIEF IN RELIGION?

I found this dual review of theologian-authored books on belief in God to be intriguing. The books were "In the Beginning... Creativity", by Harvard Divinity School's Gordon D. Kaufman, and "The Twilight of Atheism", by Oxford University's Alister McGrath, and the basis for comparison is the opposite ends each man reaches in this analysis. Providing the added twist is the divergence each one takes from his personal background: Kaufman was raised as a devout Christian, and McGrath has a Marxist-atheist pedigree from his younger days.

Rather than go through the entire debate, I'm more interested in looking at the condensed argument for McGrath's turnaround from Godless to Godly:

His basic theme is that in past centuries, Western faith squandered its moral stature when Christians ran around killing each other and oppressing dissenters. Back then, atheism seemed to promise human liberation.

Today, of course, churches abhor any hint of coerced faith and have long since embraced full freedom of conscience.

Meanwhile, when atheistic Communists or neo-pagan Nazis gained political power in the 20th century, McGrath comments, they proved to be even more bloodthirsty than their misguided Christian predecessors and produced "just as many frauds, psychopaths and careerists."

The conclusion: "It is not of the essence of atheism to be a liberator, nor of religion to be an oppressor."...

He realized that the great atheists (Marx, Freud) presupposed atheism rather than proving it.

Thus, "the belief that there is no God is just as much a matter of faith as the belief that there is a God." Impasse. "The grand idea that atheism is the only option for a thinking person has long since passed away."

Moreover, McGrath argues, atheism failed in matters of "imagination" and created mere "organizations" instead of the sort of "community" that humans crave and religion fosters. Apart from Western Europe, faith is booming.

Still, McGrath maintains a certain respect for his youthful credo. Atheism's past successes showed that "when religion is seen as a threat to the people, it will fail; when it is seen as their friend, it will flourish."

To me, it doesn't sound like McGrath is advocating faith as much as he's advocating religion. More to the point, he treats religion and atheism as competing devotions, and in the process regards the structure of religion as being more vital, socially, than any actual belief behind it. It seems hollow.

I suppose I might get a more complete sense of McGrath's (and Kaufman's) arguments by consulting the book. But I'm not all that interested.

2004-08-17T22:41:00.000-04:00

DOWN WITH THE G

Among all the trademark battles that Google is fighting, the one over Gmail is probably the most troubling for the company. The search king is in fourth place for the race to register the "Gmail" name, putting its claim in some jeopardy.

I'm thinking that they'll still get it if they really want it, but will have to pay through the nose. Either they'll have to grease the wheels with the trademark authorities and the other claimants, or else will have to heavily pay off one of the three claimants in front of them to buy it from them.

A couple of things come to mind:

- As I mentioned regarding the Froogles.com dispute, it's surprising that such a gee-whiz tech company, whose whole business is based around information retrieval and research, would be so negligent with its own product development. It doesn't bode well for Google's operating ability as a public company--assuming the IPO ever gets off the ground.

- I'm wondering why Google felt compelled to create a new, distinct brandname for its email offering in the first place. Why not offer "@google.com" addresses? Or, if those are reserved for corporate employees (instead of something like "@googleinc.com"), then "@googlemail.com" would work. A mass market so enchanted by all things Google would be delighted to have the name in their email address. "Gmail" seems too abstract. The desire to have a short domain name is understandable, but I think it's offset by the equity in the Google brand.

2004-08-17T19:27:00.000-04:00

NHL OWNERS' PROPOSALS: CAP-O-RAMA

Another meeting, another load of rhetoric. The NHL and NHLPA concluded their third formal meeting today without getting any closer to a collective bargaining agreement for next season. About the only concrete move was a formal rejection from the players' union of all six of the owners' proposals, on grounds of all of them being some form of a salary cap.

Are they? Bill Daly, the league's chief legal officer, admitted that one of the six plans was indeed a standard per-team payroll cap, but the other five weren't, strictly speaking. Let's take a look at the other five proposals, courtesy of the NHL via FoxSports:

- A performance-based salary system, in which a player's individual compensation would be based, in part, on negotiated objective criteria and, in part, on individual and team performance.

- A payroll range system in which teams could spend within a negotiated range of payrolls.

- A system premised on the centralized negotiation of player contracts, where the league would negotiate individual player contracts, either with players and their agents or with the union directly.

- A player partnership payroll plan (P-4), which would involve individual player compensation being individually negotiated on the basis of "units" allocated for regular-season payrolls, supplemented by lucrative bonuses for team playoff performance.

- A salary slotting system, which would contemplate each team being assigned a series of "salary slots" at various levels, each of which would be allocated among each team's players pursuant to individual player-team negotiation.

Now, which of these plans don't amount to a cap on salaries? The concept of centralizing contract negotiations between the league and the player means the disappearance of a competitive market for player services. Salary slots lock in pay. In short, each of these proposals are salary caps, either on a team-wide basis or an individual basis (the latter which was applied in the NBA on their last CBA, a move hoops players now regret).

Frankly, I don't see why any rational person (read "rational" as "someone who doesn't think players should play for free") wouldn't agree with the players. They're going to get screwed under any of these plans.

A better question would be why the owners feel they need to impose cost-certainty safeguards when they not only already extended the life of the current CBA once, but are also currently demonstrating how they can put a lid on market values. Granted, the lower salaries being tossed around wouldn't exist if not for the pressure of an expiring CBA. But it's essentially the same old story: If the owners didn't have the money, they wouldn't be spending it.

I'm still optimisitic, believe it or not. Adults know that agreements in these situations don't come about until the last minute, and I fully expect that to happen here. Until then, there's little to do but gawk and speculate. And watch the World Cup of Hockey, of course.

2004-08-17T18:48:00.000-04:00

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, TWO DAYS AWAY
Yes, I'm trying to build suspense over my big news flash this coming Thursday. What can it be?

I don't drop hints, but I will say it doesn't relate to anything that's been mentioned lately here.

2004-08-16T23:10:00.000-04:00

BLOGGER NAVBAR, NO ADS?
When Blogger.com sprung its redesign on me back in May, I noted that one of the things they left out was a built-in search function for BlogSpot-hosted blogs. Considering that Google owns Blogger/BlogSpot, this would seem like a natural, especially since the general populace is so in love with the search giant that such a direct link between the brands would only enhance the blogging services. The absence seemed curious.

It appears I've gotten my wish--sort of. The Blogger NavBar sits at the very top of this blogpage, whether I want it or not. I had to do some quick-and-dirty template adjustment to keep it from encroaching upon my top banner.

The most notable feature of the NavBar is the Google-powered searchbox. The Critical 'I' is indexed fairly extensively by Google, so the utility is definitely there. Of course, it makes the FreeFind search function on this page superfluous. That may be just as well: FreeFind seemed to hiccup on its indexing once the blog went to page-dedicated permalinks, and thus has become somewhat less reliable to me. So I probably should ditch it. But I'll wait to see how the NavBar works first; no sense in rushing things.

The other links in the NavBar are really inconsequential; I'm not crazy about the "Next Blog" pointer, but I've got plenty of similar links of my own handiwork here, so it's really nothing to complain about. However, it does create the impression of a "BlogSpot network" of blogs, which doesn't thrill me either.

I note that the NavBar has displaced the GoogleAds banner that was formerly planted at the very top of the page. I was under the impression that Blogger/Google saw ads an important part of BlogSpot's revenue potential. I know some people resented those ads; frankly, they never bothered me, and I'd opt to have them back. I can't believe they'd abandon them; perhaps they'll reappear in some new form.

2004-08-16T22:25:00.000-04:00

ANARCHY IN THE USA: TO THE POLLING BOOTH
How much has President Bush polarized the American polity? Even the anarchists are considering voting against him.

Susan Heitker, 32, of Athens, believes that the U.S. government is neither legitimate nor democratic, but she still plans to vote.

"To me, at least, it's important to vote," she said. "There was a time when I was not going to vote, but I really dislike Bush."

When doctrinarian anarchists are dirtying themselves with the state-sponsored political process, you know there's some resentment against Dubya.

Anarchists aren't the first group forced to reconcile their radical philosophy with political practicality. Over the past century or so, socialist and communist parties in Europe and the U.S. made the monumental decision to reject Marx's revolutionary precepts and engage in party politics. Moderate leaders in those movements saw a better chance at effecting change through peaceful participation in the electoral process than through violent overthrow of the existing state system. The anarchists never seriously considered this, probably because they consider the prospect of an "Anarchy Party" as ridiculous as everyone else does. Despite this rush to the ballot, I don't see a party coalescencing from this; but stranger things have happened.

2004-08-16T22:01:00.000-04:00

RICKSHAW COMPUTING ON THE SUBCONTINENT
What do you do when you live in a country with only 12 computers and four Internet connections per every 1,000 people? You take the show on the road, in the form of a wireless-enabled computer dubbed "Infothela" ("info-cart"), making the rounds to India's rural villages via bicycle rickshaw.

Between this computer-on-wheels, and Cambodia's motorcycle-powered wi-fi connectivity, people in less-developed parts of the globe are finding novel ways to use modern technology.

2004-08-16T21:43:00.000-04:00

MULTIMEDIA CONSOLE: BEATING A DEAD HORSE?

The prospect of a household computing device that acts as an all-in-one entertainment server is too juicy for the computing/consumer electronics industries to ignore. So convergence is the keyword in the rollout of gaming consoles like Sony's PSX, masquerading as digital Swiss-Army knives, despite the skepticism of analysts and a poor track record.

Some analysts even wonder if the entire convergence idea really makes sense. "Beyond the clock radio, what's ever worked better from putting two different functions together?" asked Schelley Olhava, an analyst at market researcher IDC.

Very much my sentiment. I've already trashed the motivating factors behind hybrid devices like this, and figured that the PSX specifically was going to flop. That's turned out to be true; even the tech-eager Japanese didn't bother to throw any money down on the half-baked PSX.

The assumption that the average consumer is chomping at the bit to experience all of his/her music, movies and photos through a computer-based interface is shaky, as recent Pew Internet & American Life data suggest people still prefer non-computer media channels. Granted, this is a trending situation that can change with the introduction of more digital devices, but for now, it's looking like a limited market.

Even worse is the notion of trying to market the same console device in multiple configurations:

The tepid response to the PSX means that Sony is unlikely to take a bet-the-farm approach to convergence with the PlayStation 3, analysts have said. Instead, the electronics giant will at best offer multiple versions of the console--a games-only version around the standard $300 price point for new consoles, for example, and a media-enriched model for those with cash to burn.

"I think this is heading to multiple types of products," DFC Intelligence's Cole said. "You'll have a basic PS3 that just plays games and other (models) with different kinds of functionality. If you can do that right out of the gate, you might be able to get more consumers to bite than they've had with the PSX."

Really dumb idea that I believe is helping to kill Tivo right now. These devices are unknown quantities, intended to introduce and build a product sector. You do that by keeping things simple for the consumer, who's already gunshy about investing a few hundred dollars into something that's more a luxury toy than a necessity. You don't do it by presenting a dizzying array of features that the purchaser has to sort out. You can do that with cars; you can't do it with consoles.

Some see that light:

Olhava has doubts about that notion, given the game industry's reluctance to irritate mass market retailers with multiple product configurations. "I'm not even convinced we'll see different" models, she said. "This is an industry that prefers simplicity."...

Nintendo of America spokeswoman Beth Llewelyn said the company has no plans to cram consoles with nongame functions.

"There's been talk about convergence for many, many years, and it hasn't seemed to stick yet," Llewelyn said. "Consumers like dedicated video game systems. We think there's a huge market out there for game-specific devices."

That may be the smart way to go, Olhava said, given the track record for convergence experiments.

"Combining a lot of different features usually doesn't work," she said.

2004-08-16T20:41:00.000-04:00

OPENING CEREMONIES: NOT BAD

Despite the tale end of Hurricane Charley, I did manage to catch the Opening Ceremonies for the Athens Olympics on Friday night. After reading about a sneak preview of what was in store, I was most interested in seeing how much of the speculation was true:

... the infield of the stadium was flooded at one point and that a giant statue of Athena -- the city's protector -- rose into the stadium through a hole in the middle of the field.

The set then turned into a mountain, topped by an olive tree, and volunteers danced around in ancient costumes, [the anonymous informer] said. Hundreds of musicians beat drums and a performer dressed as a centaur -- half man, half horse -- shot an arrow intended to look like a comet.

At another point in the show, mythological figures sailed on a boat -- perhaps symbolizing the ancient story of Jason and the Argonauts, in which the hero and his crew hunt for the legendary golden fleece.

The dress rehearsal also included a Trojan horse. In Homer's epic, The Iliad, the horse concealed Greek troops who sacked the city of Troy.

It looks like most of that info was bogus, either by design or through misunderstanding. About the only elements that did show up in real life were the centaur, who tossed a light-javeline instead of shooting an arrow; the drum-beaters; the flooded infield; and the boat, although it carried only a young boy, not a pantheon of gods. No Trojan Horse, no Athena.

The speculation on the torch did prove true:

The Olympic flame will burn atop a 100-foot tapered column resembling the torch used in the worldwide relay. The structure, designed by Spanish architect Santiago Calatrava, is fitted with a hinged base -- suggesting it could be tipped over to be lit and then repositioned upright.

Which is what they did. While I did like the lead-up marathon relay run through all the modern Olympic years, with the symbolic stumbles at World Wars I and II, I still wish the torch-lighting had been via a centaur's arrow-shot. It was dramatic at Atlanta, and a repeat feat would have been nice.

2004-08-16T19:53:00.000-04:00

MOVIES BEHIND BARS
By coincidence, I've taken in an inordinate number of prison-themed movies this past week:

- I caught Midnight Express on TV last Thursday;

- I bought Life on DVD on Saturday and watched it that afternoon;

- I went to see Carandiru at Old Hyde Park Village last night.

While they all have the jail setting in common, they're very disparate films. Midnight Express is a minor classic, as notorious for the fictionalized (despite the "based on a true story" tag) depiction of life in a Turkish gulag as for star Brad Davis' real-life drug addiction during filming. Life is an overlooked Eddie Murphy-Martin Lawrence vehicle that's actually a quite touching comedy. Carandiru is a gritty Brazilian prison drama punctuated by some light touches, before coming to a rather harsh conclusion.

Why the preoccupation with prison flicks? I'll let you speculate. And no softball gay jokes, please, or else I'll be forced to rent Caged Heat--or at least catch Black Mama, White Mama on cable...

2004-08-16T18:53:00.000-04:00

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, THIS THURSDAY
Like the title above says: Some rather large news coming up in a few days. Astute long-time readers of this space may be able to guess what it is; you may amuse yourself by speculating in the comment box. Otherwise, you'll just have to sit tight and wait.

2004-08-15T17:06:00.000-04:00

AMATEUR NIGHT: THE LAST LAUGH
Everybody's got to start somewhere. It might as well be the Tampa Improv's Open Mic night. There's a handful of aspiring jokesters trudging out to Ybor, looking for live experience. The basic lesson: It helps to have a full house.

I've kicked around the idea of taking the plunge into one of these amateur nights. The next one is on August 25th, just over a week from today. I feel I've got enough to do the solid 3-4 minutes they give you. I'm not sure I could scrounge up 10 people to come with me, and frankly, I'm not sure I'd want to have them there--could make me nervous.

But the full, lively crowd would be a big help for me. I have no problem standing up and speaking before a large group, but if it's just a small scattering, it becomes more one-on-one, and dicier.

I figure I can always fall back on a standup career, just in case my "Situation: Comedy" winning script doesn't pan out.

2004-08-15T16:37:00.000-04:00

REALITY CHECK: WHEN CHANNELS ATTACK
Over a year ago, we got wind of an all-reality channel called Reality Central. Plans continue afoot with a new name (Reality 24-7), as well as plans for a rival channel from Fox.

Despite the industry experience and the slight headstart, it looks like 24-7 is going to get wiped out by Fox's venture:

Fox and its related studios have plenty of programming to choose from, including "The Simple Life" and "Joe Millionaire." Old Fox series such as celebrity boxing and "When Animals Attack" are on the shelves, ready to be dusted off.

Fox-affiliated companies operate all over the world; Vinciquerra has access to a dozen versions of "Temptation Island" from different countries, he said...

Fox's parent, News Corp., owns Direct TV, so it's likely that satellite provider will offer Fox Reality from its beginning. News Corp. is a behemoth in the industry, with a formidable track record of starting successful networks like the National Geographic Channel, Fuel and the Speed Channel.

Still, I wonder how much life the standard contest-based reality show has in rerun form:

Many reality series draw strength from being serials, leaving those in the industry to wonder how much interest there will be in "American Idol" reruns, for instance, when everybody knows who won.

And that's not even considering whether the reality genre is going to stay strong. It's hot now, but so was "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" not so long ago; the gameshow resurgence it spawned is long since spent.

I expect the Fox reality channel to survive as an outlet, but only because New Corp. will push it as part of a multichannel package. It'll eventually become a dumping ground for all sorts of half-baked projects and thinly-veiled infomercials.

2004-08-14T16:10:00.000-04:00

MOSQUITO BITES CELLPHONES
As much as mobile phone makers and wireless providers would love for us to drop some cash on the latest fully-loaded handsets, increasing news about prone they are to PC-like infections are sure to keep them on the shelf. In the past couple of months, we've heard about the Cabir virus and the vulnerability of Bluetooth-enabled phones.

The latest bug derives from a cellphone game that's named after a bug: Mosquito. Illegally-downloaded copies of the game have been hijacking cellphones and making them send automatically-generated text messages overseas, bringing people hefty phone bills.

I'm sure the concept of downloading anything, let alone videogames, onto a phone comes as news to the average consumer. The notion that a phone could be hacked to do malicious operations is equally bizarre, and unnerving.

As stories related to this spread, I expect to see more and more people eschew smart phones and stick with the basic free-with-your-service-plan clunker phones. Since most people don't want to do anything with their phones but talk anyway, it's not going to put a crimp in the average person's lifestyle by staying lower-tech.

2004-08-14T15:53:00.000-04:00

GOODBYE CRAIG, HELLO CONAN?
It's hard to believe that late-night TV was, for decades during the Johnny Carson era, a stable terrain. Just when we've gotten used to the Jay Leno-Conan O'Brien vs. David Letterman-Craig Kilborn axises, Kilborn announces that he's leaving his show as of next month.

I'd like to think that Kilborn's recent stint on ESPN's SportsCenter Old School, which I enjoyed very much, is prompting him to return to the sports desk. But it doesn't look like it; it seems he wants to pursue other television/movie projects. I'd support him starring in an instant remake/do-over of Anchorman; I think he'd do a much better job than Will Ferrel, with the writing and the acting.

The speculation that O'Brien could be lured from NBC to CBS is nice to dream about. CBS would have to keep the seat at the "Late, Late Show" warm for over a year, though. That makes it extremely unlikely. What will happen is that CBS and Letterman (the producer) will find someone else, even on a short-term basis, and hope he becomes a hit.

I would love to see O'Brien and Letterman on the same channel, though. I realize that all four shows are distinct from each other (network promotion of "seamless blocks of talk/comedy" aside), but the pairings always seemed mismatched to me. Letterman and O'Brien have the same sort of irreverent, goofy sensibilities (although O'Brien's not nearly as deft with it, and his writing for the last year has grown increasingly stale). Leno and Kilborn seem paired by an identical devotion to style over substance.

I'm hoping that, in the meantime, CBS taps Chris Rock to take over the late late shift.

2004-08-14T11:14:00.000-04:00

CHARLEY, THE HURRICANE THAT WASN'T (FOR ME)

Hurricane Charley has come and gone. I'll reiterate my original sentiments:

Pain. In. The. Ass.

Charley made a surprise turn and hit the Fort Myers area yesterday, then worked its way up through Orlando and Daytona Beach. The originally projected path that had it coming up into Tampa Bay was altered by an atypical August cold front. It seems the Bay area's lucky streak with hurricanes came through once again. In fact, it was the ideal scenario: Charley's landfall to the south meant that we were spared the dreaded storm surges, which even with the Fort Myers hit could have been a problem for Tampa Bay.

Ironically, Pinellas County, which was anticipated to become a virtual island with a direct hit, turned out to be the safest spot in the state. As I write this now, it's a typical day outside: Overcast, but with plenty of daylight, and no more rain than we've normally been getting.

So was all that preparation and anticipation a waste of time? Government officials and experts will tell you no. I'll tell you yes.

A coworker from northern California, who grew up with earthquakes, told me that given the choice of natural disasters, she prefers earthquakes to tropical storms. With earthquakes, there's no real warning. It just happens, and whether it's just a tremor or 10.0, you only worry about it while it's happening. There's no build-up beforehand.

With storm systems, the tracking starts days in advance, and as the pathway becomes clearer, the storm warnings increase with frequency. All the information is supposed to prepare you, but in reality, it doesn't--it just panics you. The panic is senseless, because much like an earthquake, there's very little you can do about it; the storm's going to hit, and all the preparations you make aren't going to change that. My original inclination to stay put in my evacuation area reflected that.

My cynicism about all this is reinforced by a last little bit of storm news yesterday. Just as it was established that Charley would pass us, the meteorolgists "alerted" us to the formation of two new tropical systems--off the coast of Africa. Apparently, the weathermen were still in super-action-news mode, and couldn't help but apply their panic-now tone to this rather insignificant news (all tropical storms/hurricanes here originate across the Atlantic off Africa; they either fizzle out, or become problems, but it's ridiculous to make anything of them at such an early stage).

I'm still a bit peeved at having left home yesterday. It seems that the minute I set out, Charley changed it's course. It was nice to spend some time with my friends, and watch their kids run around, but honestly, I wouldn't have minded just chilling out on my own.

At this point, I'm tired of the subject of Charley, and weather in general. I'm looking forward to retiring that weather image above for a good while. I'm also looking forward to going out tonight and partying my ass off--a great tonic for the last couple of days' hassles.

2004-08-13T12:56:00.000-04:00

I SKEDADDLED

Or chickened out, or got wise, or however you want to say it. I abandoned apartment.

Considering the revised Charley path that now has Manatee-Sarasota getting nailed instead of Tampa Bay proper, I should have stayed home. But I'm here in Tampa, with friends, and it ain't all bad. Still would rather be home, but...

It's still amazingly calm here. Even a little sunny. You honestly couldn't tell there was a big storm brewing. That's reinforced from earlier this morning, when I awoke to the same familiar fountain shooting water in the middle of the lake, and the seagulls divebombing into the water.

2004-08-13T01:00:00.000-04:00

FRIDAY, 13, HURRICANE
It just occurred to me: It's now Friday the 13th. And we're about to get hit with Hurricane Charley. It figures.

2004-08-13T00:54:00.000-04:00

THE CALM BEFORE

Given the uncertain conditions tomorrow, I'm making a rare midnight posting.

Still have no plans of leaving, even though I'm smack dab in the middle of an evac zone. What's more, if the current projection is accurate, Charley is supposed to come within a few miles of my front door. Again, the course could change in the next few hours; we'll still get something, but the hurricane itself could hit away from the Tampa Bay area. But for now, it's looking likely it'll be here.

The latest:

"MacDill Air Force Base will probably be mostly underwater and parts of downtown Tampa could be underwater if we have a Category 3," [state meteorologist Ben] Nelson said. "In a Category 3, you can almost get to the point where Pinellas County becomes an island."

"There will be a period of time where if you stay behind and you change your mind and you want to be rescued, no one can help you. We aren't going to go out on a suicide mission," Pinellas Emergency Management Chief Gary Vickers told people in the evacuation zone.

Me, nervous? A little. I always scoff at those diehards in storm areas who stubbornly stay behind, then yelp for help once the shit hits the fan. I guess I'm one of them now... But that's balanced by the knowledge that there's really not much to do. My option in Tampa is not that much safer than here, really. As long as I'm supplied, I should be okay.

In the meantime, conditions here are ridiculously calm. We had a brief shower this afternoon, nothing out of the ordinary. Otherwise, there's really no indication of what's to come. There was even some sunshine toward the evening. A friend in Clearwater said it was full-blown sunny where she was. Truly a calm before the storm.

So calm, in fact, that I had a nice dinner of crabmeat-stuffed salmon filet earlier, and a typical night of boob-tube staring. It's important to maintain some sense of normalcy.

Don't expect much in the way of stormwatch blogging from me. Even assuming the power and DSL line stay live, I'm not inclined to be a hero. I doubt I could snap any good photos of it from where I'm situated, and I'm not venturing out to the shoreline. If you want some of that action, Weatherbug is doing some Charley-chasing just south of here, in Fort Myers.

2004-08-12T22:47:00.000-04:00

THE GAY GUV

Who says politics is boring? Even if the White House race doesn't thrill you, the Illinois Senate race, with it's circus atmosphere and sleaze, should get your attention.

And if that doesn't do it for you, maybe today's shocker out of the Garden State will: New Jersey Governor James McGreevey resigned today, citing a homosexual affair he had while married with two kids.

I've really got nothing more to say about it. It's bizarre, it's certainly stranger than fiction, and it definitely adds fodder for the ocean of Jersey jokes out there.

2004-08-12T22:28:00.000-04:00

MOVIE MIXER
There's a continual cycle of unconventional dating/meat market venues: Supermarkets, churches, health clubs, museums, etc. Presumably, if you hook up with someone at one of these places, you go on to date them, and what's more of a default for an early-stage date than the movies?

Since the movies are a natural in the dating game, you might as well make it the staging ground for meeting mates.

I think the name, "Click at a Flick", sucks. But the concept is alright with me. I'll rarely turn down libations, and I am quite the cinephile. If this concept crawls it's way to Tampa Bay, I'll give it a try. It'd have to be a movie I'd want to see, though.

2004-08-12T16:28:00.000-04:00

INTERNATIONAL OBSERVERS COME NOVEMBER
Does this officially make us a banana republic? The United States has invited observers from the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (OSCE) to monitor this Presidential elections.

There's a lot of context to this that makes it less sinister than it might seem. The U.S. is a member of OSCE, and has agreed to participate in exchanges of observing teams among all member countries. OSCE still has to determine whether or not it wants to do this (although I'd be surprised if it declined). Similar missions observed midterm and state elections in 2002 and 2003. Finally, the observers won't be able to do anything but strictly observe the process, and then offer recommendations (if any) afterward.

Still, the very idea of a U.S. national election being observed raised the hackles of the usual knee-jerk suspects:

The letters drew outrage from many Republican lawmakers in the House of Representatives. They promptly attached an amendment to the 2005 foreign-aid bill banning the use of any of that money to finance UN monitoring of the election.

"For over 200 years, this nation has conducted elections fairly and impartially, ensuring that each person's vote will count," said Rep. Stephen Buyer during debate on the floor of the House of Representatives. "Imagine going to your polling place on the morning of November 2 and seeing blue-helmeted foreigners inside your local library, school or fire station."

Those blue-helmeted furriners will probably be accompanied by black CIA helicopters, too.

Naturally, it's hard to separate this from how the 2000 election went. Having international observers around during a Presidential contest for the first time implies that the last election wasn't clean, even with all sane voices acknowledging that it (mostly) was. The usual application of observers is in unstable polities where corruption is expected, so bringing them here paints the United States with that same brush. If nothing else, it's galling to national pride, especially that of the world's remaining superpower. I recall that while the 2000 fiasco was being sorted out, Cuba offered to send a team of election observers to help Florida count the votes; the message sent with that offer was unmistakable.

It would be a neat trick to spin this in a positive way to the public. The very phrase "election observers" conjures up Third World countries and 2000, and the non-active nature of the mission would be unconvincing to most. I'm wondering if the image of UN soldiers at polling stations would be an enticement or deterrent for the average voter.

2004-08-12T15:56:00.000-04:00

INTERNET: STILL SECOND FIDDLE
New data out of the Pew Internet & American Life Project indicates that, despite the joys and wonders of digital shopping, media and communications, most people are still more likely to go with traditional offline conduits.

One of the most-hyped and contentious online frontiers, digitized music, is surprisingly limited among the general populace:

Digital music gets a lot of attention as an "in" category now, but the survey suggests that fewer than one in four users actually use the Net to listen to music or radio. [Pew senior research fellow Deborah] Fallows said it's still just plain easier for people to turn on a stereo or car radio.

The one area where people are ga-ga for online info is maps:

If there was a surprise in the findings, Fallows says, it was the overwhelming reliance on online maps. She said some people in the survey said they like Internet maps so much they will call a friend while driving and ask him or her to go online and get them directions.

Of course, if you make regular use of Mapquest and the like, you know that it doesn't always give you the most direct route to where you're going. That must account for all the clueless drivers out there who are constantly slowing me down...

The idea of maps as one of the more valuable online resources corresponds with my experience, sort of. I recall sometime just before the turn of the century hanging out in a friend's office, helping him pack stuff up for an impending business trip. He complained that the worst part about traveling to new cities was having to buy road maps, or else just not knowing how to get around in unfamiliar surroundings. I kind of stared blankly at him for a couple of beats, then said, "You do know that you can create driving directions and maps through the Web, right?" It was a revelation to him (this was circa 1998, so he can be forgiven for presuming the Internet was good for nothing but chain emails and porn). I showed him the magic of online map sites, and he spent an extra half-hour printing out driving directions.

I've followed Pew Internet's findings closely. Their reports are fairly uniform about Internet permeation being more hype than fact (search the blog to find older posts; I'm too lazy to do it myself, and besides I'm on hurricane watch). I realize this looks like party-pooper work, but it's refreshing to step back from the tech/Web/blogging echo chamber and realize what the real world is doing.

2004-08-12T15:25:00.000-04:00

ROCK YOU LIKE A... YOU KNOW

Pain in the ass.

That's how I characterize the largest mandatory evacuation in Pinellas County history, ordered today, as I type this from my home in Pinellas County. Hurricane Charley (or, as I prefer to call him, Clyde) is coming, and the latest data has it hitting the Tampa Bay area square in the nose. If that holds up, it'll be the first direct hit the Bay area has had in close to a century.

I've been through this drill before. Evacuations are ordered, the major bridges to Hilllsborough County/Tampa are closed well ahead of time, and everybody gets more and more jittery as the barometer drops. Then, the storm du jour makes a left-hand turn and passes us by completely (except for the backlash of rainclouds, really nothing unusual for here).

Things appear more serious this time, although hurricanes and tropical storms are so unpredictable that Charley very well could miss me and hit either north or south of here.

The immediate results: My office is closed for tomorrow. We had to move as much stuff as possible (files, reference material, etc.) away from the windows, and put plastic wrap over our computers. Most places around here are battening down the hatches. The stores and gas stations are packing up with people as they rush to fill out their emergency supplies checklists. I got my stuff on two separate trips, last night and this afternoon (a girl in line in front of me was stocking up with two 6-packs of Bud; she said that was more fun to drink than water).

What will I do? I'm very much inclined to stay right where I am, even being practically on the water. I have the option of going to a friend's house in Tampa, where it's safer from immediate problems (flooding and direct high winds). Because of the bridge closings, starting at 10 PM tonight, I'd have to decide fairly soon; I could still get to Tampa after that, but it would have to be the long way. And I'd dread having to navigate in a hurricane-flooded aftermath.

Still, I see no real reason to go. If the storm does hit the area, we're all screwed. Power will likely go out regionwide, cellphones will be iffy, and forget about Internet. I'm on the second floor here, so the floods aren't going to touch me. The winds, on the other hand...

Friends and acquaintences are making plans, in a mostly laid-back way (most of them, like me, have gone through the motions before). My friends Kirby and Angela were flying out of town tomorrow anyway, on a week's vacation to Chicago, so they're lucking out and hoping that there's no huge mess when they get back. Another couple are in a similar spot as mine, only worse because they're on the ground floor; they may head for Kirby's house in Tampa, and if that's the case I might join them. A co-worker is at home alone, her husband out of the country on vacation, and she's worried about being at home alone more than anything.

Upshot, I'll hold out as long as I can. If the posting abruptly stops sometime tomorrow and doesn't resume over the weekend, you can assume I've been swept up. I'll return as soon as the storm dumps me in Cuba or Galveston, and I find an Ethernet hookup.

2004-08-11T22:39:00.000-04:00

TOYS AREN'T US
Kids grow up so fast these days. Too fast for Toys R Us, which is looking to sell itself out of its core toy-selling business to focus on its lucrative Babies R Us division.

I can understand why Wal-Mart and Target is winning the toy retail war. Parents have to be crazy to go to a store where they'll blow all their money on nothing but toys. Going to a superstore means they'll be able to buy at least a couple of more practical items while they indulge Junior (in fact, they'll probably wind up spending more money overall in that instance, but there's the illusion that they at least didn't blow too much on toys). The discounts help a lot, too.

The suggestion of Wal-Mart using their toy sales as loss leaders to draw in customers is rather rich. Toys R Us used to sell diapers in their stores at huge discounts, reasoning that young families would have newborns as well as older kids to take care of. That was held up for years as a textbook example of classic loss-leading strategy.

2004-08-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

CONAN'S LATE-NIGHT INFOMERCIAL
Like I need another excuse for sleep deprivation: Tomorrow's "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" will be infomercial-ized, partly as a joke and partly to shill a couple of show-related DVDs.

It's an interesting dynamic: O'Brien is going to parody the familiar low-grade look and feel of the average infomercial (many of which share the same timeslot as "Late Night"), which is good for a sure-fire laugh. Bringing in C-list celebrities like Bernie Kopell and Bruce Jenner reinforces the in-joke, as both make their living through "star" appearances on the infomercial circuit.

On the other hand, the joke is on the viewer, because the episode really is an hour-long commercial for selling DVDs. Actually, it's an extended commercial that's also selling time for other commercials, so NBC makes out exceptionally well. So O'Brien is becoming exactly what he's mocking, and the fact that he's doing it with a smirk doesn't change that.

With that all said, I'll still watch it. I'll probably pass on the 12:35 AM broadcast, though, and just catch it on the following day's Comedy Central repeat. An appearance by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is more than enough for me to tune in.

2004-08-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

POWER POLITICS, THE GAME
Want to be the next Karl Rove or Dick Morris, a kingmaker in the American political system?

Well, that ain't going to happen. You'd have to lift your ass up from in front of the computer, find a golden boy/girl and hitch your wagon. All highly unlikely.

The next best thing is to play Power Politics III, where you can simulate being in charge of a Presidential campaign. You can choose to go back to the Kennedy-Nixon race of 1960, through the decades to this year's Decision '04.

Please, no wagering.

2004-08-11T21:15:00.000-04:00

POLITICAL AD CAPTURE
It's campaign season, and the sooner you know what your opponent is saying about you, the sooner you can fire back. Campaign Media Analysis Group is in the business of providing the ammo, in the form of tracking political TV ads in major metro areas across the U.S. They're so good at it that media analysis giant Neilsen figures to take several years to become competitive.

Notice that CMAG deals exclusively in television. That's because that's unquestionably the most effective ad medium for political ads (and really, most types of advertising). There's more than enough business just slicing and dicing the boob tube. Print, radio, direct mail and online are all useful in election years, and probably represent niches of analytical opportunity. But for now, television is the one that counts.

I wonder how much use CMAG gets out of DVRs in their work? You can't program them to record political ads, but obviously they can capture hours of news channel programming and other likely timeslots for political advertising. But they'd have to look well beyond that, to primetime network and all the other slots where all candidates are targeting voters. Ad coverage has to be intense, because not only are both Democrats and Republicans going after undecideds, but also pushing hard to get the people on their side to actually get to the polls and vote.

2004-08-11T19:07:00.000-04:00

BONNIE AND--CHARLEY??

The above is not a current weather map of the Tampa Bay area; it's just stock imagery that I use for all foul-weather postings here. (There've been quite a few, and I've spared my readers the offline bitching I've been doing for the past week on that subject.)

In any case, I'm sure the aerials will be looking like this, or worse, soon. Different parts of Florida are bracing for an imminent double dosage of hurricane action, by the names of Bonnie (to the north) and Charley (to the south). The Bay Area is more or less midway between where the two storms are projected to make their landfalls, so we'll probably be getting doused as a result.

Bonnie and Charley? Shouldn't the meteorologists have shown some foresight and named the "C" storm system "Clyde"? As in Bonnie and Clyde? Considering all the hassle and grief these storms are going to bring to one state, I think it would be an appropos naming.

2004-08-10T22:42:00.000-04:00

CITIZENS' MEDIA: LIKE VOTING
There's been a couple of items posted at Poynter about user-produced online content initiatives:

- GoSkokie.com is a community news site built by students at Northwestern's Medill School of Journalism. The goal was to run the site with as much resident-written contributions as possible, and compare the experience with similar efforts around the country. Results are available in the free report, "Hyperlocal Citizens' Media: Connecting Communities, Improving Journalism, Building Democracy".

- In a slightly different tack, the Open Source Media Project is looking to build a massive repository of open-source media files, with the goal of allowing people to utilize media anywhere, anyhow, anytime. The Internet Archive has offered to provide the storage.

Each proposal is based around the centralization-through-decentralization concept: Draw material from the public at large, then present it in one consolidated location. As such, it relies on fairly active audience participation.

And that's why, ultimately, they're both dead ends.

Ideas on the dissemination of media through Internet-based vehicles always assumes that there's a desire among the masses to create and contribute content. Those who see blogging as a phenomenon count on this.

My experience is that it's a much more limited impulse than most new-media acolytes would like to admit. In the larger context, there's a relatively small group of motivated content creators out there. Once the novelty of blogging/open media/whatever wears off, those numbers dwindle further. Eventually, these sites that rely on fresh infusions of user input slow down or become stale. This is particularly the case with community news sites; in the case of the Open Media Project, I can easily see it becoming hijacked into a porn depot.

Referring to these projects as citizen-oriented is appropriate--but not in a positive way. Citizenship is a status that's taken for granted by most; it's just there, and rarely exercised in the form of voting or other government participation. Online content contributing would probably be regarded the same way: Nice to know it's available, but likely to be rarely exploited.

2004-08-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

WELCOME, TIM BROWN

It took a week, but as expected, WR Tim Brown is now a Buc.

A bit of a backstory: Tim Brown was somewhat close to becoming a Buccaneer about ten years ago. Back then, the orangesicle-clad Yucks were embroiled in a prolonged contract dispute with restricted free-agent tackle Paul Gruber, who was the only player on that roster of any real value. It got to the point where the team tried to work out a deal to ship him out to the Raiders (then still in Los Angeles). Tim Brown was initially thought to be the player coming the other way. I'm not sure just how solid that was; I think Al Davis was pushing a draft pick instead. Eventually, talks broke down, and there never was a deal. Gruber stayed a Buc for the rest of his career, and Brown stayed with the Raiders--until now.

In any case, I don't think Brown's addition is going to make any difference for Tampa Bay this year. I don't expect all these imported vets to jell, and the result will be seven wins--if they're lucky. (Actually, I'm thinking more like five or six wins.)

I'm a bit surprised the Dolphins didn't go after him, in an effort to reverse their run of bad luck. It could be that Brown made up his mind to reunite with Gruden earlier than today's signing indicates. In any case, Miami's likely going to tap Antonio Freeman as David Boston's replacement. Like it matters at this point.

2004-08-10T20:20:00.000-04:00

24 SECONDS AND 50 YEARS

Hoops fans said goodbye to any serious notion of defense 50 years ago today, when the 24-second shot clock was demonstrated during an informal pickup game at Vocational High School in Syracuse. The then-fledgling NBA adopted it the following season, and the rest is history.

Well, not quite. The article makes it sound like the NBA caught on right away once the scoring shot way up. In reality, the league floundered for the next couple of decades, until it really started taking off in the 1970s. You could even argue that pro basketball didn't achieve big-league status until the '80s, with the coming of Magic Johnson and Larry Bird, and later Michael Jordan.

The shot clock really did transform basketball, helping to turn it from a game that was originally conceived to be played on the floor to one that's now played through the air. The players obviously had a lot to do with that, too.

The idea of applying the shot clock to baseball (for pitchers) and hockey crops up every so often. The feeling is that an accelerated timeframe works (or used to) for hoops, so it should work wonders on those other two sports, which become plagued with low scoring and drawn-out gametimes. Thankfully, it never gets off the ground. (Football, of course, has it's own version of the shot clock--the play clock.)

2004-08-10T19:40:00.000-04:00

BIBLEMAN--AND HIS SIDEKICK
A random visit to Deadly Cupcake 3 reacquainted me with the holy cruddiness that is Bibleman.

Bibleman's alter-ego is none other than Willie Aames. The same Willie Aames of "Charles In Charge" and (my personal favorite) "Eight Is Enough" fame.

Now that Aames has hit his post-cocaine holy-roller bigtime, I think he should extend some Christian charity toward his former co-stars. I propose that Bibleman pick up an Old(school) Testament-style sidekick: Torah-boy! Adam Rich would be ideal, but I could see Scott Baio in that slot instead. I'm sure both could use the work.

2004-08-10T11:55:00.000-04:00

"SITUATION: COMEDY" AND THE TED DANSON FACTOR
So I've been thinking a bit on Bravo TV's "Situation: Comedy" reality show/contest. Specifically, the payoff for getting to the last stage:

- $25,000 cash
- A year's exclusive representation with Creative Artists Agency
- A 15-minute film presentation of your skit on Bravo (really not a prize per se, but it is exposure, even if you come in second place)

All very nice. But does it compare to what NBC (which owns Bravo) gave to Ted Danson back in the day? I think not! I think I'll pull a George Costanza and hold out for less money.

2004-08-09T23:45:00.000-04:00

CELEBRITY BYLINES AND STAR POWER
If you're a struggling scribe trying to break into the exciting world of journalism, give up on submitting clips. To prove you have the proper writing chops, you have to first make it big in the movies, music or any other glittery entertainment field.

That's how it works of late, with stars like Ben Affleck, Julia Stiles and Alicia Keys leading a new trend in celebrity magazine and newspaper work. Ah-nold Schwarzenegger's part-time stint at editing a couple of fitness magazines also represents this mini-phenomenon.

What's the reason for this transference of star power to print?

... Star-written stories draw readers as well as advertisers, particularly in the overcrowded magazine field, says Richard Botto, editor in chief of Razor magazine. Editors there are working with Willie Nelson for an upcoming piece on Ray Charles.

That's basically the heart of it. For every writer that achieves household-name status, there's probably a hundred actors and musicians that are already in that position. The buzz factor a publication gets from having some Hollywood prettyboy or glamour girl pen a piece is like pure gold. The unique access that some of these celebs have with their peers is a strong secondary lure.

That said, let's not kid ourselves: Celebrities aren't going to take over all reporting. Using them as authors and editors is a pure publicity stunt. Overuse will kill the novelty and the cool factor, so doing it annually or so keeps it effective. The well-known names are what are doing the work, not the actual editorial content produced. I daresay that a mag like GQ could run Matt Damon's monthly grocery list under the star's byline, and it would sell.

In many ways, this reminds me of Wil Wheaton's announced book deal last year, and the false claim that his blogging got him the contract. As I said back then, his name and his Star Trek pedigree are what got him a book contract. Those same things will probably get him one of these bylines, too...

2004-08-09T23:18:00.000-04:00

ATHENS OLYMPICS SECURITY, 1896

If it weren't for the "birthplace of the Games" thing, Athens would probably never get an Olympics. Today's security concerns echo those from over a century ago, when Athens' big problems during the first modern Games wasn't Mideast terrorists, but thieves and kidnappers:

At the start of 1896, the authorities in Athens learned from reliable sources that pickpockets from Istanbul, Cairo and Alexandria were preparing to invade the Greek capital to take advantage of "the good business opportunities" which the Olympics would provide for their deft fingers.

But they weren’t the only source of worry for those in charge of security. Few in Greece had forgotten the so-called "Marathon murders", in which, in 1870, three Britons were kidnapped and killed by Greek thieves.

2004-08-09T19:28:00.000-04:00

THE STEALTH PRESEASON

I must really have a lot on my mind lately. I completely forgot that the NFL Hall of Fame Game, between the Redskins and Broncos, is tonight. The brainfreeze is even more inexplicable given that I was fully aware of yesterday's Hall inductions, headlined by John Elway and Barry Sanders.

I guess it's something to watch. But it is preseason, so it's hard for me to get jacked up over it.

Let me take this opportunity to give some friendly advice to all those football fans out there who are going to watch tonight's game from Fawcett Field and get caught up in it: It's meaningless. All of it. Despite all the chatter from the on-air crew about how Joe Gibbs is DC's second coming of Jesus, despite the familiar four quarters of gametime, the game means absolutely nothing. It means nothing at all for how Washington's or Denver's regular season will go. It's a spectacle purely for television, and both sides are just looking to get out of it without injury to anyone important.

In fact, if it were up to me, I'd prohibit the tallying of scoring plays in NFL preseason games. What's the point? The proper way to view these glorified inter-squad scrimmages is by individual drives and player performances, so there's really no reason to give them even the semblance of an actual game. That would also eliminate the moronic notion of preseason standings.

With that mind, I'll add a special note to the gambling junkies out there, who are stupid enough to bet money on game results that are of no consequence to either team: Just PayPal me the money directly. If you're that eager to toss your dollars away, I'll gladly oblige you.

2004-08-09T18:57:00.000-04:00

REALITY CHECK: SITCOM STYLIN'
Who hasn't slumped back into the couch, disgusted at the realization of having squandered a half-hour of one's life watching some crapola like "Everybody Loves Raymond", and thought, "I could write something better using half my brain!"?

Time to put your money where your mouth is. Or at least, your creative energy (assuming you have any). Bravo Television's "Situation: Comedy" will be a contest/reality show about the search for the next sure-fire sitcom, and it's soliciting script ideas from the general public.

The AP's Frazier Moore has some interesting plot pitches, based on the Hollywood regurgitation method of series creation:

Just consider the new Fox sitcom "Method and Red," where two rap stars cope with living in a stuffy gated community. Will Smith was living with a starkly similar concept a decade ago on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." And what about the WB's fall show "Commando Nanny"? It's a Y-chromosome twist on the 1990s Fran Drescher sitcom "The Nanny."

In the eyes of sitcom-makers, to copy is an act of genuflection.

So ... how about six attractive young Manhattanites who hang out and drink a lot of, I don't know, maybe herbal tea? How about a button-down version of "Will & Grace" with Log Cabin Republicans?...

Or what about a cutting-edge sitcom for post-9/11, set in the Department of Homeland Security? Laughs galore! Someone keeps stealing office supplies. The boss's deputy has agoraphobia. One of the operatives (too bad Andy Dick isn't available to play him) spends all his time swapping music files with suspected terrorists.

They all sound like winners! Damn, I'm not even going to try now.

Moore does touch on a pertinent point: Many TV shows, especially comedies, are built around a specific star in mind. Indeed, that's factored into a network's commitment to go with a show. "Situation: Comedy" isn't going to be like that--it's presumably going to be judged largely on the merits of the writing. God help them.

On second thought, I think I will enter the contest. What the hell, I can write, and I'm damn funny. I won't even need to resort to Plotto to do my dirty work; I already know what it takes to make a successful sitcom these days:

- Ensembles with hot chickies and metrosexilicious men!
- Monkeys, monkeys, and more monkeys! That solve crimes!
- Going for youth market--straight to the womb!

I know what you're thinking, and you're right: Don't bother entering. I've got it sewn up, baby. See you in Malibu...

2004-08-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

THEY FORGOT TO ADD CANADA AND MEXICO, TOO
California Alternative High School takes that "alternative" in their name to heart, as the cut-rate diploma mill is being shut down over laughably false information in its curriculum, leading to worthless high-school equivalency certificates.

The school's chief executive officer, Daniel Gossai, claimed to have a teaching credential and two doctorates, but prosecutors said they found no evidence that he does. He was a teacher at Victor Valley Community College in the late 1970s, but was fired for immoral conduct, dishonesty and being unfit for service, [California Attorney General Bill ] Lockyer said.

Among the gaffes to be found in their "textbook" (with correct information hyperlinked):

- The United States has 53 states but the "flag has not yet been updated to reflect the addition of the last three states" -- Hawaii, Alaska and Puerto Rico.

- World War II began in 1938 and ended in 1942.

- There are two houses of Congress -- the Senate and the House, and "one is for Democrats and the other is for the Republicans, respectively."

Plus one more, from the Los Angeles Times via Joanne Jacobs:

- There are four branches of government. They are the legislative, judicial, executive and "administrative" branches. Asked about the fourth branch by investigators, one teacher responded that "not much is heard about it because it works behind the scenes." The Treasury Department is part of the "administrative" branch.

Astounding. I'm wondering if this stuff was put together in an insomniac-produced glaze, or if some severely-underqualified dunce actually thought these were the correct facts (probably gleaned from some random webpage). Or did the school's honchos intentionally put in the false info as a joke, almost daring someone to call them on it?

Maybe the home schoolers are onto something. Or not.

2004-08-09T13:52:00.000-04:00

OPENING CEREMONY: SNEAK PREVIEW

How do you keep a secret among 35,000 people? You don't. And so we have an early peek at Athen's Opening Cermony show this Friday to kick off the Olympics.

Pagans rejoice! It sounds like it'll be a Homeric spectacle:

... the infield of the stadium was flooded at one point and that a giant statue of Athena -- the city's protector -- rose into the stadium through a hole in the middle of the field.

The set then turned into a mountain, topped by an olive tree, and volunteers danced around in ancient costumes, [the anonymous informer] said. Hundreds of musicians beat drums and a performer dressed as a centaur -- half man, half horse -- shot an arrow intended to look like a comet.

At another point in the show, mythological figures sailed on a boat -- perhaps symbolizing the ancient story of Jason and the Argonauts, in which the hero and his crew hunt for the legendary golden fleece.

The dress rehearsal also included a Trojan horse. In Homer's epic, The Iliad, the horse concealed Greek troops who sacked the city of Troy.

Nice little swipe at Troy! Good thing the city is no longer around to complain about it.

The centaur's arrow shot sounds an awful lot like the flaming arrow shot in Atlanta in 1996 to light the Olympic torch for those Games. I would love to see that neat little trick repeated; I thought it was very dramatic and memorable. I'm not sure if the speculation on Athen's torch display gives any indications:

The Olympic flame will burn atop a 100-foot tapered column resembling the torch used in the worldwide relay. The structure, designed by Spanish architect Santiago Calatrava, is fitted with a hinged base -- suggesting it could be tipped over to be lit and then repositioned upright.

Man, I should have gone. Hopefully NBC will have excellent coverage.

2004-08-08T22:19:00.000-04:00

THE DVD ABOUT NOTHING

I've often wondered when the timing would be right for a release of "Seinfeld" on DVD. I know that Amazon's had a holding spot for orders for years.

It looks like time is fast approaching: The first three seasons will be released on November 23rd, and the DVD package looks like a winner.

Among the secrets to be revealed in the bonus material: The whereabouts of Kramer during the real-time structured Chinese Restaurant episode. I can't say I've ever wondered about that, but it would make a nice story-lette.

2004-08-08T16:03:00.000-04:00

WRITER JUICE
What makes us writers go? Writer juice, of course. Dan Trujillo is taking a month off from his playwriting to refill his tank with this precious liquid.

I intend to keep writing here, but I will devote my playwriting time to cleaning and gussying my office. The place where the magic happens should have a sense of magic to it, after all. I'm sick of coming in there to work, and thinking, "What a dump." Double the shame, because I'm lucky enough to have an office.

Everyone could use time to recharge every now and again; that's what vacations are for. But the well tends to run dry at the more inopportune instances, and sometimes you have to find unconventional ways to prime the pump. Doing some redecorating may seem like trivial busy-work, but the point is to remake your environment, leading to a rejuvination in the creative process.

It's not always easy. What can seem like the simplest procedure--banging out a few word on the keyboard, hoping it builds steam--isn't always doable. But like any other work, you manuever your way through it.

At the moment, I'm not feeling overly juiced up. But I write on, nevertheless.

2004-08-08T15:14:00.000-04:00

MOBILE PHONE DATE RESCUE: MISSPENT MONEY
There's nothing like an emergency phone call to get you out of an awkward situation. That's the rationale behind Cingular's Escape-A-Date and Virgin Mobile's Rescue Ring, wireless services that buzz your phone with fake calls that enable you to ditch your social commitment of the moment.

When the cell rings, one of Cingular's eight "emergency" messages says: "Hey, this is your Escape-A-Date call. If you're looking for an excuse, I got it. Just repeat after me, and you'll be on your way! 'Not again! Why does that always happen to you? ... All right, I'll be right there.' Now tell 'em that your roommate got locked out, and you have to go let them in. Good luck!"

And bingo, the bad date is history.

The rescue-call service is part of a Cingular package that costs $5 a month. Virgin Mobile offers its Rescue Ring at 25 cents per use, plus the price of the call.

Ingenious. Of course, one has to question the point of paying anything at all to your wireless provider when you could just duck into a bathroom, make a quick call to a friend, and arrange for a fake call that way.

An even easier option would be to surreptitiously set the built-in alarm (a basic feature on every mobile phone sold these days) to ring at a pre-set time, and then pretend to chat on the phone for the few seconds it takes to weasel out of the date. (This is the option that makes me shake my head at that dumb "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" commercial, where some guy asks for his hotel's wakeup call to be routed to his cellphone.)

Regardless, I'm sure there's a healthy market of ill-informed consumers out there who'll eagerly sign up for this useless service. It's things like this that encourage wireless providers to treat their customers like crap; after all, if people will part with their money for this, why not assume they're thoroughly stupid?

2004-08-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

OLYMPIC NASCAR?

Load up the Equestrian section of the St. Petersburg Times' look at the ancient Olympic games, and one of the first things you'll see is a big full-color picture of a NASCAR crash. What's one got to do with the other?

Obviously, chariot racing no longer exists - or does it? When it comes to horse-powered thrills and spills, auto racing is the modern-day equivalent to chariot racing, be it Formula One or NASCAR. Today's charioteers receive a greater share of the glory, but drivers are hired to take all the risks. Consider that the fastest chariots were powered by four horses, while an F1 engine produces nearly 1,000 horsepower. Where the Greeks put 40 chariots on the three-quarter-mile hippodrome course, NASCAR puts 43 brightly painted stock cars on the half-mile track at Bristol. And just like the hippodrome, the most treacherous spots on a race track, be it road course or oval, are the turns. The smallest miscalculation by the driver or the slightest touch between two cars can trigger a spectacular crash.

I should point out that the statement about chariot racing no longer existing is questionable if you take into consideration harness racing.

I'm thinking this adds fuel to the fire for a lobbying effort to get auto racing added as an Olympic event. Not that such a move should be good news for NASCAR fans; if racing were to find itself in the Games, it would almost certainly be of the F1 variety. And there's not a whole lot of crossover appeal between NASCAR gearheads and F1 enthusiasts; it's like the difference between Budweiser and Dom Perignon.

By the way, if you want to see some nice graphics on the actual equestrian events from the ancient Olympics, the Times put together some cool graphics.

2004-08-08T01:15:00.000-04:00

PROFESSOR DRUID AND THE INTERNET
On Friday, my boss mentioned that one of her daughter's new high school teachers was a declared Druid. A cornerstone of Druidry is reverence of trees as living beings, and thus an aversion to harming them or using products made from them. As such, he's informed his students that all assignments for the year will be delivered and received wholly electronically--no paper whatsoever.

My initial thought was that it was a kooky way to structure your class. But then I thought that, these days, it's probably not very unusual. More and more, the college classroom experience includes Web-based syllabi and back-and-forth emailing between instructor and student, cutting down on paperwork immensely. It's only natural that high schools should adopt this too, where possible (this particular teacher is instructing an advanced honors program, so there's a certain expectation as far as having access to computers, etc.).

I also noted that the Internet Age is the perfect time for a Druid to be a teacher. In years past, there really was no way to avoid dealing with paper all the time. Now, electronic media allows this guy to practice his beliefs closer to the letter than he ever would have been able to, and still be employed. Of course, he's still teaching in a building that's made at least partly from wood, and there's tons of other dead-tree products all around; but every little bit helps.

2004-08-07T20:08:00.000-04:00

HOLLYWOOD DUCKS

I would have assumed that spots on the Hollywood Walk of Fame would be reserved for flesh-and-blood Tinseltown types. I'd have assumed wrong, because Donald Duck is getting his star next week, joining fellow celluloid-only honorees Bugs Bunny, Micky Mouse and the Simpsons.

If I'm Daffy Duck, I'm on the phone with my agent and raising holy Hell.

2004-08-07T19:06:00.000-04:00

SPORTSCENTER REUNIONS, SANS OLBERMANN
In case you haven't heard, ESPN turns 25 this year. Along with several other marketing gimmicks to commemorate the quarter century, the Mothership is bringing back a few of their most notable SportsCenter alumni to do their thing in front of the camera. The schedule for this reunion, dubbed "SportsCenter Old School", next week is as follows:

SUNDAY: Craig Kilborn and Dan Patrick

MONDAY: Charley Steiner and Bob Ley

TUESDAY: Gayle Gardner and Stuart Scott

WEDNESDAY: Greg Gumbel and Chris Berman

THURSDAY: George Grande and Chris Berman

Nice to see pretty-boy Kilborn back behind the sports desk. He made a fan out of me with his ESPN work, and then later on the original incarnation of "The Daily Show"; I'm not nearly as enamoured of his current work.

I'm also curious to see the granddaddy of them all, George Grande, in action. He was well before my time, and all I've ever seen of him is archival footage.

The pairings are nice, but there's an obvious omission: Keith Olbermann. It's not like they forgot about him:

"We didn't want to bring him into the workplace," said ESPN executive vice president Mark Shapiro. "The damage he could do in one day in the newsroom could put us in damage control for two years."

When Olbermann was told of Shapiro's statements, he said he was a little surprised, adding he would have loved to return to ESPN for a reunion.

"Of course I would have accepted," Olbermann said.

If there is too much baggage, as Shapiro suggested, "the label doesn't have my name on it, it has ESPN's name on it."

Shapiro was open to Olbermann's return at one point. He said two years ago, when he was hired at ESPN, he met with the former anchor about possibly coming back to the network.

This despite Olbermann's surprising and head-scratching split from ESPN and some less-than-flattering things about the network's management in Michael Freeman's book, ESPN: The Uncensored History.

But time had passed, and Olbermann had written an apology of sorts, published on Salon.com, for some of the things he said in Freeman's book.

There was hope then, Shapiro said. But others at ESPN weren't so eager to forgive.

"I was blown away by how much that one meeting ... how people reacted to me even taking the meeting," Shapiro said, adding he had no idea how many "bodies were buried along the way."

He was undeterred, though, until a short time later. Just six months after Olbermann's mea culpa on Salon.com, ESPN/ABC president George Bodenheimer hired Lisa Guerrero for Monday Night Football, and the final piece of the bridge demolition disintegrated into ash.

"It's a complete repudiation of Monday Night Football's tradition," Olbermann was quoted as saying. "(John) Madden and (Al) Michaels should walk, and Bodenheimer should be led away in handcuffs."

And so ended Shapiro's flirtation with Olbermann.

"Personally I couldn't get past that," Shapiro said. "Even though he did leave a tremendous legacy and helped chart the course of the show, there was too much bad stuff that came with it, unnecessary bad stuff."

I think it's important to note how much Olbermann did for ESPN without getting much gratitude. Chief among this was when they tapped him to become the personality behind the launch of ESPN2 in the mid-'90s. They pulled him off the main ESPN channel for a year while they tried to fashion The Deuce into an un-sportsnetwork (an approach that's long since been abandoned, although in some ways it may have been ahead of its time, and worthy of a revisit in today's quest to re-attract young male viewers). He bitched about it long and hard, but did the work. The lack of appreciation led him to leave the network shortly thereafter.

I'm crossing my fingers on the improbable happening, and Olbermann will somehow appear on the now-open Friday slot with Dan Patrick. But I'm not putting any money on it.

This reunion stuff is doing the intended job on me: It's enticing me to watch SportsCenter again, for the first time in ages, and in the deadzone of summer, too. I recently alluded to how weak the show's become, and the reasons for it mainly concern attempts to artificially recreate the Patrick-Olbermann "Big Show" chemistry. This week's alum watching will be fun in and of itself, but will also serve as a painful contrast to how low the everyday rendition has fallen.

2004-08-07T15:08:00.000-04:00

THE CREEPINESS OF EHARMONY.COM
I'm sure you've seen the pervasive TV commercials for eHarmony.com, featuring founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren.

Is that guy vaguely creepy, or what? Combine his unctuous quality with that twangy guitar background music (that's supposed to convey a down-homey mood), and the whole thing just makes me think "snake oil".

2004-08-07T12:27:00.000-04:00

BLUETOOTHACHE
Bluetooth is getting to be the latest techno-craze among mobile devices, especially the latest and greatest phones. But before you run out and buy that shiny new model, consider how much of a security nightmare Bluetooth-enabling can cause:

[Salzberg Research's Martin] Herfurt demonstrated three different ways to attack a phone: He could send unsolicited text messages to the phone's screen, download all the data stored on a phone (or manipulate the data on the phone itself), and turn the phone into a roaming bug by forcing a targeted phone to call another phone.

This last attack, which the pair call "BlueBugging," is potentially the most damaging because once the attacker initiates a call on the victim's phone, there's no need to stay within Bluetooth range, typically about 30 feet. The target need only be in a phone service area to be exploited.

This kind of attack could also be used to commit fraud, according to Laurie. For example, an attacker could force victims' phones to dial a phone service that bills the victim per call or per minute.

Increasingly, "phones are being used as portable data stores" for information such as passwords, PIN numbers, and other sensitive data, [AL Digital's Adam] Laurie added--another danger if a phone can be hacked.

Basically, an open door is an open door, to anyone. You'd think these tech companies would build this stuff with failsafe security measures. Maybe that's just impossible, or maybe it'll take a couple of decades to factor in the hacker safeguards. I often get the feeling the big companies justify their lack of security features by dismissing hacker attacks as isolated and rare instances. This was true even ten years ago, when such practitioners were small grouping, really a limited underground. But with the Internet as a ridiculously easy communications and exchange medium, that's no longer the case--the ability to share information on how to pull off large-scale scams is almost effortless. Put it all together, and it seems like it'll be more years than anyone wants to admit before people live a casually digital lifestyle.

The other downside to this Bluetooth phone vulnerability is that it could curtail the bluejacking. Not to mention the trysting fun of toothing.

2004-08-06T21:17:00.000-04:00

ATLANTIS AS IRELAND
Where is/was Atlantis? It's been speculated that Crete, Santorini, the Azores, even the Americas were the site of the legendary lost continent. But there's a new theory that proposes Ireland to be the prime candidate:

Geographer Ulf Erlingsson, whose book explaining his theory will be published next month, says the measurements, geography, and landscape of Atlantis as described by Plato match Ireland almost exactly.

"I am amazed no one has come up with this before, it's incredible," he told Reuters.

"Just like Atlantis, Ireland is 300 miles long, 200 miles wide, and widest across the middle. They both have a central plain surrounded by mountains.

"I've looked at geographical data from the rest of the world and of the 50 largest islands there is only one that has a plain in the middle -- Ireland."

It could be that Ireland was too obvious a choice. The British Isles were suspected to a possible site for the legendary Thule (also thought to be Iceland, the Faroe Islands and Greenland, among others); maybe historical investigators assign only one mythic designation per location.

I'm not as sold on the origins of the destruction of Atlantis:

Erlingsson believes the idea that Atlantis sank came from the fate of Dogger Bank, an isolated shoal in the North Sea, about 60 miles off the northeastern coast of England, which sank after being hit by a huge flood wave around 6,100 BC.

"I suspect that myth came from Ireland and it derives from Dogger Bank. I think the memory of Dogger Bank was probably preserved in Ireland for around 3,000 years and became mixed up with the story of Atlantis," he said.

I think it's not too likely that a legend like that would survive 3,000 years, despite the spectacular nature. Like many theories about Atlantis, Erlingsson's could be making the crucial mistake of trying to incorporate too many disparate theories into one all-inclusive one.

In any case, it's interesting. Historical investigations into geographic legends is a particularly fun sideline.

2004-08-06T20:48:00.000-04:00

KITTIES, THE GATEWAY CLONES

Now how could a couple of furry little cuties like Baba Ganoush (left) and her sister Tabouli represent the evil prospect of genetically-engineered cloning?

That's exactly the point, as these two kitties are the showcases for how new and more efficient cloning can reunite pet owners with their deceased love ones, for only $50 grand. There's all sorts of ethical handwringing over cloning human beings. But animals? The objections are far fewer and less impassioned. And once pet cloning becomes commonplace, it's only a small logical step toward fuller acceptance of people cloning.

As if these literal copy-cats aren't cute enough, get a load of the name of the company that produced them: Genetic Savings & Clone. Although I question the wisdom of evoking the name of institutions that became synonymous in America with widespread scandal and financial collapse.

2004-08-06T13:13:00.000-04:00

FOR SALE: WORLD SERIES RING

It's just amazing the things you'll find for sale on Craigslist:

I am selling a 1982 Championship ring custom made and awarded to the non-player associates of the
winning Cardinal team. PRICE: $2400 (over best offer over 2400)

This ring awarded in April 1983 and was originally appraised at $1750 by an independent jeweler. I have that appraisal. Three current appraisals average between $3600 and 3900. This ring is owned by a SCOUT not a player. The ring shines and sparkles like new with just the touch of a rouge cloth available at most jewelers. This ring held up fantastic for being worn for 22+ yrs.

SPECS:
Finger size 11..overall size 24mm (wide) x 20mm high.
30mm overall height…weighs 26+ grams
10k yellow-gold with a 12pt REAL diamond.
Center stone is a synthetic red ruby.

Despite being listed on Tampa Bay's Craigslist page, the seller is based in Chicago (I suspect he's posted this on just about every Craigslist citysite).

Is it legit? The most obvious part of the story checks out: The St. Louis Cardinals did indeed win the 1982 World Series. There's certainly enough detail about the ring to persuade you to think it's for real (although that's certainly no reliable measure). And despite the unconventional avenue of selling it, it's not unheard of for someone formerly in pro sports to sell off championship trinkets, especially if they've hit the skids and need to find some money quick.

Of course, it could be a scam, too. Bottom line: Buyer beware. I certainly wouldn't mail out a money order to some anonymous individual and cross my fingers on him mailing the ring out. Alas, I know there are idiots out there who will...

I'm hoping some journalist jumps on this story and sheds some light on what's happening, and what will happen.

UPDATE (8/9/04): Easy come, easy go. It appears the listing was deleted sometime over the weekend. I'm thinking it was a scam-o-rama.

2004-08-05T22:01:00.000-04:00

PIMP THAT BUCKET
The latest Toyota commercials that parody MTV's "Pimp My Ride" are fairly amusing.

However, I can't help but hear the commercial's catchphrase of "we fixed her bucket", and instantly think of a lewd reference to anal sex. Call me crazy.

2004-08-05T20:43:00.000-04:00

S'REAL FRIDAYS: LAST ROUND

Despite the best of intentions, I did not attend last week's Salvador Dali Museum S'real Fridays cocktail party. I couldn't gather up enough of a grouping to head over to it. Plus, I got a better offer and went to see Coffee and Cigarettes instead.

But tomorrow is the last dance for the Dali's stab at cocktail hour. So I guess I'll hit it. I currently have nothing else planned, and there are worse things to do on an early Friday night. So I might as well check it out.

UPDATE (8/6/04): Screw it. I'm drained from a long week, not in the mood for any happy hour, Dali-esque or otherwise. I suspect I'll find something else to do later tonight, after I've wound down.

2004-08-05T20:35:00.000-04:00

REALITY CHECK: GO FOR THE GREEN
A cornerstone of reality television programming is some level of humiliation. At some juncture, at least one of the primary players has to caught in a less-than-flattering moment. Whether or not it's truly emasculating, or just made to look that way in front of the camera, is irrelevant. To me, the idea of seeing someone "exposed" is the primary reason for watching a reality show; it satisfies the voyeuristic aspect of these shows.

I think this applies to every strain of the genre, from granddaddy "The Real World" to the latest rookie, "Amish in the City". So it really should come as little surprise when that concept is taken to a logical extreme with the Spanish-television show "Gana la Verde (Win the Green)", which pits contestants against one another for the questionable promise of an immigrant green card.

Is such a show exploitive? It is. But is it any more exploitive than the other reality shows, particularly the gameshow-oriented ones? Other than the ethnic and civic status of the contestants, I'd say no.

2004-08-04T10:16:00.000-04:00

BUCS WIDEOUTS: READY FOR TIM BROWN?

Keenan McCardell is holding out. Joe Jurevicius is out indefinitely, possibly for the season, after back surgery. Keyshawn Johnson is in Dallas. Add it all up, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers receiving corps is looking awfully shaky heading into this season.

Jon Gruden can talk up first-rounder Michael Clayton all he wants, but I'm betting he's keeping his eye on Tim Brown's imminent departure from Oakland. Gruden loves veterans, has that Raiders connection from his time there as head coach, and simply won't be able to resist scooping Brown up if/when he becomes available. Heck, he might even try to engineer a trade for him. I'm predicting Tim Brown is in a Bucs uniform by the end of August.

2004-08-04T09:48:00.000-04:00

NO MORE ORANGUTAN BOXING

Thailand's Safari World has shut down it's decades-old orangutan kickboxing shows amid allegations of abuse when obtaining the animals.

I remember watching highlights from one of these matches on ESPN SportsCenter, during the Dan Patrick-Keith Olbermann "Big Show" era (it was some humorous filler tacked onto the end of that day's broadcast, unlike the usual modern-day product-placement on SC). Patrick and Olbermann cracked me up thoroughly with their blow-by-blow account, right up to Patrick's Marv Albert-imitation "YEEEESSSSS!" at the K.O.

Why do I look upon this venue and think that it would be perfect for Mike Tyson's next comeback attempt?

2004-08-03T21:25:00.000-04:00

REPUBLICAN KETCHUP

Are you a solidly GOP kinda citizen, and can't stand the thought of dipping your ~~french~~ freedom fries in that Democratically-tinged Heinz? Now you have a choice of conservative ketchups: Bush Country Ketchup and W Ketchup.

They're not cheap, though: Comparably-sized bottles of both sell for about 5 times the price of regular ol' Heinz, and that's not counting the shipping and handling charge from ordering them online (pretty much the only way to get them). But I guess if you're Republican, you've got money to blow on premium condiments. Besides, a taste test among the three brands reveals that Bush Country is best experienced by the more refined palate.

I'm most amused by the in-party acrimony between the two ketchups:

Competitive capitalism is in the Republican spirit, of course. But the ketchup contest is turning into a food fight as the two companies snipe at each other over which is truly conservative.

Bush Country ketchup was founded by Patrick Spero and Christopher Cylke, a pair of Republican political activists in Washington.

Cylke is a staffer on the House Judiciary Committee, Spero a volunteer press secretary for congressional candidate Mike Jones of Massachusetts.

They formed their company in February and launched Bush Country on April 25. W ketchup launched June 11. Spero says, "They blatantly copied our idea."

But what really riles him, he says, is that W ketchup's founders "are shamelessly capitalizing on George Bush's middle initial while at the same time they refuse to offer any expression of support for the president on their Web page or product." Bush Country, he points out, is proudly dedicated to keeping Bush in the White House.

The "W" in W ketchup, Spero says, doesn't even stand for Dubya. It stands for Washington - and it's not clear whether that's George Washington or Washington, D.C.

"These guys should get out of the ketchup business and start making syrup," Spero says. "It will go perfectly with all the waffling they do."

As Election Day nears, it's been funny to read about all the references to John Kerry being the "Ketchup Candidate" and having his campaign fueled by his wife's "ketchup money". As though Bush's political machine isn't being greased (pun intended) by plenty of his family's oil money, among other interests.

You know what? I have absolutely no problem having a President in the White House who was helped there by "ketchup money". I'm fairly sure that a ketchup-backed candidate won't turn around and invade some country on false pretexts, with the true intention of securing its vast tomato crop resources.

2004-08-03T20:24:00.000-04:00

BACHELOR PAD LIVING TIP
In a pinch, a Post-It® Note makes an excellent makeshift drink coaster. Condensation may call for the use of multiple notes, though.

2004-08-03T19:39:00.000-04:00

HE'S RICH, BEE-YOTCH!
That would be Dave Chappelle, star of "Chappelle's Show". Comedy Central has inked Chappelle to an additional two years of the show, plus a big cut of DVD sales and other incentives that could net the star about $50 million.

So I guess Chappelle's admonition back in June that the show was "ruining his life" goes out the window. (For those who haven't figured it out yet: That was part of his negotiating tactic. Chappelle himself will tell you, don't believe anything celebrities say!)

The Reuters account of the deal is valuable, because it includes so much background info on how things work in the entertainment industry:

Increasing the pressure on Comedy to close a megadeal with Chappelle was interest from other programers eager to tap his talents, including NBC Universal Television Group, according to sources, which ultimately deemed Chappelle too expensive. FX is said to have made an eight-figure offer to lure Chappelle to the network, but to no avail.

The deal also has implications beyond Comedy for Chappelle within the network's parent company, Viacom, sources said. Another component sets up Chappelle with a multimillion-dollar deal at Paramount Pictures to star in an adaptation of the autobiography of Rick James, the funk veteran whom Chappelle has lampooned on "Chappelle's Show." He may also be tapped for a different film project.

In addition, the contract is said to establish a development deal for Chappelle's production company, Pilot Boy Prods., with managing principal Mustafa Abuelhija. The pair already has a project under consideration at Comedy featuring "Chappelle's Show" contributor Paul Mooney.

Paul Mooney getting his own show? That's probably the best thing to come out of all this!

As I alluded, the DVD component is probably the biggest piece of this pie, and what's really making Chappelle smile:

Chappelle's original deal reaped barely a fraction of DVD revenues -- a source of frustration to the comedian as his second one-year deal with Comedy expired. The new deal cuts Chappelle not only a larger portion of DVD sales -- including retroactively to the first and second seasons -- but revenue from merchandising and events as well.

As DVD becomes an increasingly lucrative revenue stream for networks and studios, the format is taking a place next to syndication as a crucial deal point for profit participants. In HBO's contentious renegotiation with "The Sopranos" star James Gandolfini last year, DVD also emerged as a thorny issue.

Combining Chappelle's DVD take with his per-episode salary (estimated to be in the low-middle six figures) puts him in the league of Gandolfini and fellow Comedy executive producers Matt Stone and Trey Parker of "South Park." He is also slated to partake of a syndication sale of "Chappelle's Show," which may be a remote possibility given the series' raunchy content.

The aftermarket impact of DVD sales is huge, getting huger. It's quite a contrast from the VHS era, when tapes were never priced low enough to make them viable mass consumer items. What's more, the digitized content on those discs can be ripped relatively easily onto other storage media (backup discs, hard drives, etc.), so in theory a DVD purchase could have a very long shelf life.

But I digress...

I'm glad "Chappelle's Show" will still be around. I happen to be in that demographic sweet spot that the show attracts. I can't say I watch it religiously, but it's definitely one of the increasingly few shows that I'll sit down to watch. It could do with less scatological material, but overall is good for a few laughs. I'm not sure it can ever top the "I'm Rick James, bitch!" skit, though...

2004-08-03T11:20:00.000-04:00

"HOOVEROUNDS" AND ROOMBAS
On the way up the elevator this morning, I shared a ride with a couple of 50-ish ditzy-girl types who work in another part of the building. As they piled into the car, one managed to trample on the other's toes, causing them to cackle with one another during the entire ride.

"You're just like my neighbor! You know those Hooverounds?" one said to the other.

"Oh, your neighbor has one of those?" the other replied.

"Yeah, and she rolled right over my foot with it last week!" Ha ha ha ha.

"Oh you know," the other said, "I wanted to get one of those for a gift for my cousin, they look so neat the way they run across the whole carpet and everything."

"Does she need one?"

"Well, I don't know, but it would be nice for the house, and I think it's just neat to watch."

Elevator rings, their floor is up, they step off still chatting about this. As the doors closed and their chatter faded off, it registered with me that they were talking about two different things.

The "Hooveround" that ran over the one's foot was actually a Hoveround, a battery-powered wheelchair whose brand familiarity is due to the rather cheesy TV commercials that used to run incessantly in Tampa Bay (and maybe other areas). As you might guess from the spelling, she was pronouncing it wrong: It's HUH-ver-ound, not HOO-ver-ound (have I mentioned before my snobbish disdain for people who mispronounce rather obvious words?).

Perhaps thrown by the "Hoover" part of "Hooveround", which brings to mind the Hoover brand of vacuum cleaners, her companion was talking about the Roomba. Being a Roomba owner myself, I can attest to the "neatness" of watching it do its thing back and forth across a room. I also know that there's little chance of a Roomba running across anyone's foot, since it's programmed to bump it's way around any such obstacle; but to the uninitiated, it's an understandable assumption.

As I pondered this miscommunicative exchange, I absently wondered how long it took them to realize the confusion between themselves. You'd think it would be fairly quickly, but I wouldn't give them too much credit.

2004-08-03T09:53:00.000-04:00

HOLY NAIMOLI!
What's the point of owning a baseball team if you can't bully your way out of a traffic ticket? Tampa Bay Devil Rays owner and local hothead Vince Naimoli must be wondering that today, after his temper tantrum last Saturday night while his wife was pulled over and ticketed for running a red light near Tropicana Field.

A police video of the traffic stop shows the 66-year-old Naimoli waving his arms in what [police officer Scott] Newell described as "quite a temper tantrum."

Naimoli also threatened to call police Chief Chuck Harmon, Newell said.

Newell, 33, an officer more than four years, later reported over the radio: "He dropped a whole bunch of names of City Council members, the chief, upper brass, too."

If Naimoli wanted to get his wife out of a ticket, it didn't work. Lenda Naimoli, 60, got a $114.50 ticket for running a red light.

Yes, there is a 13-minute QuickTime video of the incident. It's nothing special. You can't really tell that it's Naimoli, and while it does catch some of his gesticulating and pacing, you can't hear any of his yelling, which would be the only worthwhile thing to catch.

All this from the owner of a team that'll be lucky to finish the season at .500. Just imagine how unbearable he'd be if the Rays actually made the playoffs one of these years.

2004-08-02T19:00:00.000-04:00

SPORTSLINE.COM FINALLY BOUGHT
Unable to stay in the race to be the Number 1 Also-Ran to ESPN.com, SportsLine.com Inc. sold itself off to Viacom today for around $46 million.

Thanks to years of on-air promotion and a strictly-for-branding URL, I'm guessing most people just assumed that Viacom/CBS already owned SportsLine. But no, it's a wayward dot-com phenom that had managed to maintain a (largely) stand-alone existence, even though it's been on shaky ground since the turn of the century. The long-standing partnership with CBS was the only reason SportsLine survived this long.

The CBS-SportsLine relationship is interesting, in that it was a holdover from the early days of the commercialization of the Web. Back in the mid-to-late '90s, traditional media companies weren't completely sure about how to approach the online medium. While today it seems obvious to set up a familiarly-branded domain, establish appropriate advertising/content partnerships and dedicated Web resources, it wasn't all that clear in the beginning. Even ESPN's earliest online foray, ESPN SportsZone, was done in partnership with Paul Allen's Starwave, as a way to minimize investment into what might never have panned out (remember, this was still the era when AOL really did equal the Web, and charge-per-minute access was the norm; nothing was assured as far as the future of the Internet as a consumer medium).

This was the same thinking Viacom had when it opted to hop onto SportsLine's established online presence, rather than duplicating the efforts in starting up its own sports site. This philosophy was applied in Viacom's other early-stage online venture, CBS MarketWatch, which, similar to SportsLine's status until now, is centered around an independent company. One would think MarketWatch.com is in for a similar acquisitive fate. But the online financial news market is not dominated by a single brand quite as much as ESPN.com dominates online sports info/entertainment, so MarketWatch may stay it's course for a long while yet.

We'll see if this has any impact on the current hierarchy among major sports sites. I don't foresee anything changing soon, just as last year's Sporting News-Fox Sports online merger didn't affect the landscape.

2004-08-02T16:21:00.000-04:00

THE BLAIR WARNER PROJECT
You take the good,
You take the bad,
You take them both,
And there you have...

On the Web since 1999, and long after the Blair Witch hype has been forgotten. Peekskill forever!

(With apologies to Alan Thicke)

2004-08-02T14:21:00.000-04:00

SHOCK TO YOUR SYSTEM

Consider the Lightning Reaction Game:

Start by removing a futuristic joy stick from the base. Hit the center dome and a red light will start flashing, suspenseful music will be playing and then get ready to be a Quick Draw McGraw.

Why?

When the dome turns green you need to press your joy sticks red button. The last player to do so will get SHOCKED!!

Judging from the hackneyed prose, I'd say the ad copywriter has played a few too many losing rounds of this game.

Where was this shiny model ten years ago, when we could have used it for a few supercharged rounds of Three-Man? Alcohol and shock therapy--now that's a college experience.

2004-08-01T23:23:00.000-04:00

IT'S CHICHA TIME
Brewsky for you-sky, Peruvian-style, as archaeologists have uncovered an ancient large-scale brewery in the Andes.

It is believed to have been used to brew vast quantities of a spicy, beer-like alcoholic drink called "chicha" and served to hundreds at one sitting.

It is thought that the fermented drink, made today with corn, was used for ritual intoxication by the Wari people.

I think Anheuser-Busch or Miller needs to jump on this discovery and start producing a modern-day chicha, in convenient six-packs.

2004-08-01T22:49:00.000-04:00

WHY METRIC NEVER CAUGHT ON
Despite some compelling arguments and government prodding, the United States is still resisting that metric urge. As long as we keep scarfing down Quarter-Pounders, and washing them down with 44-ounce Super Big Gulps, I guess that will continue to be the case.

So why didn't the Metric Conversion Law of 1975 change things? Heck, I was there, a tyke in grade school when this big conversion was supposed to take place, and I don't remember squat ever being done.

Looking back now, it's obvious: "Schoolhouse Rock", that televised instructional force that we heeded far more than our flesh-and-blood teachers, never deigned to do a skit on the metric system. We learned all about Conjunction Junction and E-Lec-Tricity, but nothing about 10 millimeters gang up to make one centimeter. Thus a lost opportunity to ingrain that wacky decimal system of measure into the minds of America's youth!

In fact, the one half-assed effort at using animated fun to instruct the kids on metric, "The Metric Marvels", was so lame that it didn't even last one season. In fact, it was such a piece of crap that it probably left the impression with kids that the metric system itself was lame, and therefore not worth knowing about.

So there you have it. If only Schoolhouse Rock had taken action a generation ago, we probably would be heading to McDonald's for our Tenth-Kilos today. Or not.

2004-08-01T17:08:00.000-04:00

SPAMBOTS, HAVE AT IT
You may have seen the "Free iPods!" offer making the rounds on the Web, notoriously through Craigslist postings and blog comment spam. As you might suspect if you have half a brain, it's a scam.

Maybe I should feel honored that this blog was graced today with a spam comment for this rip-off, as it indicates some level of active traffic. Forgive me if I instead feel slightly annoyed.

So, as I do on those rare occasions where I get junk comments, I deleted it. I also banned the IP address of the schmuck, named Bill, who posted it. But just so he doesn't feel like his 10-second effort at posting junk went completely to waste, I'll post his email address below:

bswerskie@sbcglobal.net

It may be a spoofed address that leads to nowhere. Bill may be a sucker who's been taken in by the scam, and not intentionally being malicious. But you know what? I don't care. If he gets nailed with enough spam as a result of this that he thinks twice or thrice before doing something this stupid again, it will have been worth it.

2004-07-31T19:46:00.000-04:00

DNC PROTEST PICTURES
A couple of days ago, I briefly wondered about any blogger coverage of the protesters during the Democratic National Convention in Boston.

The non-credentialed Tas at Loaded Mouth came through with plenty of pictures from outside the FleetCenter. Be sure to check out the one of the one-and-only Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

2004-07-31T18:01:00.000-04:00

TYSON: THE LONG DECLINE

You could characterize Mike Tyson's disastrous comeback attempt last night as the once-mighty falling.

Of course, for that to work, you'd have to disregard the last ten years. So it's more proper to view his fourth-round KO by Danny "Who?" Williams as the end of any serious athletic endeavour for Iron Mike.

That doesn't mean he'll disappear completely, though:

He will possibly now go into something called K1 in Japan - a mixture of boxing and kick-boxing that generates serious money.

Most of the participants are not very good and even a shot Mike Tyson can become a star.

So don't rule out seeing him in Tokyo in the near future.

Personally, I think Tyson should have taken a bite out of Williams' ear. Or was he planning on pulling out that maneuver in the fifth or sixth round? If you're mounting a comeback, you might as well pull out all the stops.

As for Williams, he's looking like the Buster Douglas story all over again. He better hope he at least gets a videogame out of this 15 minutes of fame.

2004-07-31T16:59:00.000-04:00

DON'T DRINK IT, DON'T SMOKE IT
I went to see Coffee and Cigarettes last night. Even though I don't drink coffee, nor do I smoke cigarettes.

But hey, it was something to do. And I generally like Jim Jarmusch's stuff.

Incidentally, afterward, I'd never seen The Hub so crowded.

2004-07-30T20:11:00.000-04:00

HOLIDAYIN' CAMBODIA
How many travel accounts to Southeast Asia do you figure get entitled "Holiday in Cambodia"? Probably far too many, at least as far as the Cambodian Ministry of Tourism is concerned. Of course, I'm guessing the Dead Kennedys are less evocative of genocide than the historical records of the Khmer Rouge.

Still, you sometimes come across a ripping good yarn about life and times in modern-day Cambodia:

We started the evening at the Cathouse, a nice little local hang, with the standard sign at the entrance "please leave all guns at this desk before entering", and standard expat looking people (ie male, overweight, red faced, 40 or so years old, probably HIV positive). We had many many drinks there before moving onto the "Sharkies bar", where Claudio had to meet a "girlfriend" of his. Boy are these guys studs, I wish I could have women like that all over me. Never did I realise that a fat red faced person with plenty of cash to flash is more likely to score than a humble young lad without a cent to spare.

Maybe a cheerier version of the Kennedys song would encourage nicer associations with visiting Cambodia. I nominate the fabulous Richard Cheese's Christmas-tinged rendition.

2004-07-30T13:12:00.000-04:00

BRILLIANT? NO, MAGIC!
I'm proposing a new one-word catchphrase to ingratiate itself among hipsters everywhere: Magic! As in, "Oh, that's magic!"

It may already be in use in Ireland and the UK; it sounds vaguely familiar, enough so that I'm not totally sure I just dreamed it up. I know that "Brilliant!" has been a long-standing quip over there for a while, and we've gotten more of a taste for it via those Guinness ads with the "Brilliant!" brewmasters. "Magic!" would be a good change-up.

2004-07-30T10:04:00.000-04:00

AVOIDING ATHEIST INFECTION
What happens when an atheist is invited to deliver the opening invocation at a city council meeting? In Tampa, three of the council members walk out .

First off, I agree that an invocation, which by definition is religiously (or at least, spiritually) based, is an odd platform for an atheist, regardless of the nature of the message. I understand that the established breach of church-state separation in even having an invocation at governmental meetings probably rationalized Michael Harvey's decision to make the delivery. Still, in the sense of sticking to your guns on the concept, I'm not sure there's as much for the atheists to gain as there is to lose.

That said, I think the reactions of council members Kevin White, Mary Alvarez and Rose Ferlita were tragically comic. If you want a good insight into the workings of a weak-willed, closed mind, here it is:

Later, White agreed that he was taking a stand. Listening to an atheist even one time could unleash a "snowball effect" on government. He compared it to having unprotected sex.

This is classic narrowmindedness: Don't let the scary ideas into your brain, or else you'll get confused! In other words, White thinks he's secure enough in his worldview, but isn't going to take the chance on exposing himself, and the council, to any different ideas. I'm guessing that these three members basically zone out during the audience portion of meetings, when they're supposedly giving citizens a chance to air their views.

Avowed atheism tends to bring this kind of hostility. The mayor's comment about the invocation properly being reserved for believers in God is nothing but a sop to voters, and false in any case. If taken literally, every invited speaker would be quizzed on their beliefs, which would invite a firestorm of criticism. That's not really the point, though. The ideal situation is that a religious or spiritual belief, of any sort, is considered a default in everyone's character, regardless of how much or how little it's demonstrated. An atheist pointedly rejects this, and thus is looked upon as hostile, or having a "political agenda".

2004-07-29T23:25:00.000-04:00

ATHENS OLYMPICS AND MARKETING OPPS

Two weeks to go until the 2004 Olympiad in Athens begins. We've all heard the stories of impending doom relating to preparation delays and poor ticket sales, but from Greece's perspective, the biggest shortfall might come from the lost marketing opportunities that normally come from hosting the Olypmics.

Could a better, more coherent and proactive public relations strategy have given the Olympic run-up a whole different complexion?

A second lesson is that the host country has to focus hard, and early, on addressing international concerns in the media to overcome negative perceptions – perceptions that have stuck to the Athens Games like wet clothing. It’s not enough for government officials to hold press conferences and say all is well. "They needed to be ahead of the curve," says [sports business expert Scott] Rosner. "But this (Olympic organizing) committee has turned out to be far more reactive than pro-active. The PR strategy was far too generic." [Cartan Tours sales & marketing VP] Don Williams suggests that a different PR firm might have been a better choice.

It's easy to see the cumulative effect: People think the Games are too much for Greece to handle, they predict a disaster, so they hold off on buying tickets. Re-spinning early would have neutralized this and set things right.

Ready or not, we'll be seeing the action soon.

2004-07-29T20:36:00.000-04:00

CONVENTION BLOGGERS: MAKING NEWS, NOT REPORTING IT
Two weeks ago, I pointed out how the party conventions are essentially non-hard-news events, and thus the much-hyped addition of bloggers to this year's DNC wouldn't mean much, other than producing a lot of inane blog posts.

I think I hit it on the head, as the AP's Anick Desjanun describes the babe-in-the-woods result from Bloggers Boulevard that I predicted.

But to clarify my point, that I feel was lost over at Poynter.org: This is not being dismissive of the bloggers. Rather, it's being dismissive of the convention. Like I said before, the modern Democratic and Republican National Conventions are overblown pep rallies, devoid of anything but the most camera-ready events. Part of the hype surrounding the bloggers' participation was a false expectation that these new-media mavericks were going to worm their way behind the scenes and extract some "real" news (even though, in some of these bloggers' cases, their forte isn't actually obtaining first-hand information anyway). I maintained that you can't dig out any real news where, by design, there is none. So it was unfair to expect the blogs to reveal anything substantial. Even the mainstream media isn't doing that, although rampant cynicism explains this as an unwillingness to do so, when in fact the reason remains the same: There's nothing substantial to report.

To fill that vacuum, naturally bloggers will resort to lots of observational information. For first-timers, just being there and experiencing the atmosphere is the main story, so that's fodder enough for plenty of postings. For something like this, that's the best you could hope for.

As it turns out, the novelty of the bloggers' very presence helped to fill the news vacuum, for themselves and the rest of the media. Which further underlines my point about there being so little real news to focus on at a convention anyway (at least in the FleetCenter; the protests outside are getting little coverage, something you'd think bloggers would flock to).

I suspect things will be about the same for the bloggers at the Republican National Convention next month. I wonder if any bloggers who are now at Boston will also go to New York; checking in on a battle-tested blogger, no longer wide-eyed at the credentialed-media process, might be interesting.

2004-07-29T19:45:00.000-04:00

S'REAL FRIDAYS, PART TWO

I had such a good time at the Salvador Dali Museum's S'real Fridays cocktail party last week that I'm going to go again tomorrow. I'm hoping they show that whacked-out movie again, so I can watch it all the way to the end this time.

I'm trying to scare up a small group to go with me. Wanna come, absorb some art and alcohol? Give a holla.

2004-07-29T09:29:00.000-04:00

THE SADNESS INDEX
Feeling blue this day? That's one down and two to go, statistically speaking. The Centers for Disease Control reports the average American feels saddened or depressed an average of 3 days per month, with slight variances according to age and gender.

Since it's the end of July, I hope you've spread your malaise time evenly throughout the month. No last-minute cramming!

It goes without saying that depression will make you a bit more reckless:

The survey also found that the more days a month people were sad, the more likely they were to take risks such as going on a drinking binge or not wearing seat belts.

I'd like to see a worldwide comparison study on sadness. I'm willing to bet right now that, comparatively, Americans are less sad than other people. I'm making that assumption based on the U.S.'s relative global affluence, although having money is not necessarily a guarantee of happiness. Still, not knowing when or if you'll get your next meal, as is the case in some dirt-poor village in the Third World, is bound to put you in the dumps for at least a couple of days each month.

2004-07-28T23:15:00.000-04:00

CROSSROADS FOR TIVO, STILL

USA Today's David Lieberman reports on Tivo's critical juncture, as it's on its last chance to secure its position before competitors steal its thunder.

This is very much what I observed about Tivo's bleak future, back in late 2003. In particular, I noted this key factor:

... My feeling is that having a separate bill for DVR service, even if it's a nominal amount like $10-15 monthly, on top of a cable bill, is an impediment. Integrating that charge into the cable bill, even if it's for the same amount, is a much easier sell for the majority of consumers. Thus, the DVR that's provided by the cable company has a much better chance of penetrating the market, and dominating it, to the disadvantage of Tivo.

Compare that to the latest research, cited in Lieberman's piece:

Still, many TV viewers prefer cable's lower price and the convenience of having everything in one box.

About 11% of people who express a strong interest in buying a DVR opt for the $10-a-month cable box option, while only 5% like TiVo's model, according to a survey Leichtman commissioned in June.

Do I know that cable consumer market, or what? I'll mark it now: Tivo will be a quaint, defunct memory by 2007. The caveat kicks in if it gets acquired, perhaps by Rupert Murdoch as a way to bolster DirecTV; but I'd rate the chances of that as very long.

2004-07-28T22:44:00.000-04:00

ORSON WELLES' BATMAN?
Who knew there was so much mutual admiration between Orson Welles and The Batman? Fresh off my "Citizen Wayne" post, I find out about Orson Welles' 1946 attempt at making a first-ever feature-length superhero movie, featuring The Batman!

He began meetings with National Comics (who would later become DC) as early as 1944 to discuss the Batman project, but his work didn't begin in earnest until completion of "The Stranger" in 1946 and Welles immediately threw himself headlong into the project. Gathering many of his old friends and colleagues together from "Citizen Kane," he proposed "a cinematic experience, a kaleidoscope of heroism and nightmares and imagery seen nowhere save the subconscious of Goya or even Hawksmoor himself." Welles planned Batman to be an adult psycho-drama, but combined with what he described as the "heart-racing excitement of the Saturday morning serials, given a respectable twist and a whole new style of kinetic direction unlike anything ever attempted in American cinema."...

[A] thirty-six page treatment for a movie that opens with the deaths of Thomas and Mary Wayne (why it's Mary I've no idea) and ends with Batman unmasked and fighting for his life against The Joker, The Riddler, Two-Face and Catwoman in a prison they've assumed control of.

What, another superhero movie unmasking?? Maybe Welles' conception here is what gave everyone else this loathsome idea.

Still, pretty ambitious stuff. Try picturing this classic cast, all of whom confirmed their participation:

- George Raft as Two-Face (after Humphrey Bogart declined)

- James Cagney as The Riddler

- Basil Rathbone as The Joker

- Marlene Dietrich as Catwoman

The casting of Bruce Wayne/Batman proved to be the deal-breaker. The studio wanted sure-shot leading man Gregory Peck; Welles saw himself playing the Caped Crusader, and was so miffed at the suggestion that he step aside (and possibly take the role of The Joker instead) that he ditched the project altogether.

What did the world miss out on? A whole lot, thinks Mark Millar:

The tragedy for movie buffs is that, like Welles' proposed adaptation of Conrad's "Heart of Darkness," the world wouldn't get to see a Batman feature until the campy 1966 movie with Adam West. The tragedy for comic-book aficionados is that our big shot at respectability, when the genre was so young that people hadn't made up their minds about us yet, was blown because of an argument over something as small and petty as casting. The movie could have been a disaster, it's impossible to say, but the production notes, the treatment and the first draft I've been reading over the last couple of weeks makes me think this could have redefined cinema. This could have been his masterpiece and, who knows, might have launched the superhero renaissance we're undergoing at the moment with quality cast and directors two or three generations earlier. John Ford following up "The Bat-Man" with a "Captain America" movie? Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn as Clark Kent and Lois Lane? In some weird, parallel reality these things are DVDs collecting dust on our video-shelves and Clint Eastwood is wishing some studio would give his funny, old "Unforgiven" cowboy flick half a chance at the next pitch meeting.

I question just how much people were undecided about the superhero genre in the mid-'40s. Their presentation in comics pretty much cemented them in everyone's minds as kids' stuff--that, and the fantastical notion of costumed do-gooders. I'd like to think that an early graduation to a more "mature" medium like cinema would have altered this, but I'm skeptical. (Plus, even by the '40s, movies weren't completely embraced as a higher-art medium, like the novel or the play; many film critics still referred to their review material as "photo-plays" during this era.) If anything, the chances are a lot better that Welles would have tanked his career had he made this movie, despite the star power.

Still, it's nice to dream. When I was younger, I imagined that the definitive Batman movie would be in black-and-white, and maybe silent. This Wellesian proposal might have come close.

2004-07-28T21:16:00.000-04:00

BAY AREA FANCY GOLDEN ARCHES

I'm pretty skeptical of McDonald's continuing plans to fancy up their menu and restaurants. But as long as they're doing it, I might as well be aware of where these upscaled shacks are around Tampa Bay.

The most dramatic outlet is a three-story McD's of brown brick and wrought iron that mimics Ybor's turn-of-the-century market and cigar factories

In a huge photo above the counter, cigar workers of the 1920s sit in endless rows rolling their leaves. Yet inside the new Ybor McDonald's (2101 E 13th Ave., Tampa) modern customers have seating that is varied, casual and abundant, appealing enough for a college student to grab coffee and spread out her homework. The interior is garnished with marble, tile, wood wainscotting and high ceilings, as historically enjoyable as anything on Seventh Avenue.

It's funny: I've noticed this remodeled beauty the last couple of times I've gotten off the interstate going into Ybor. I'm not curious enough to actually go in, especially when they're serving the same old crap.

I find this little feature at the Safety Harbor McDonald's Bistro interesting:

Remodeled with coffee equipment and a pastry case two months ago, this McDonald's also added classier tile and trim, a flat-screen TV and a power wall with phone jacks for the wired-in set.

Phone jacks? The franchisee here is an idiot, because he's just invested in obsolete technology. Especially since McDonald's corporate has committed to offering wi-fi service in its restaurants, thus making the plug-in option superfluous. Nothing like looking cutting-edge, circa 1998!

2004-07-28T20:37:00.000-04:00

TENNESSEE'S PLATE ANARCHY

This doesn't look right to you either, does it? But it's real. Not only is it on the State of Tennessee's website, it was also on a car in front of me on my drive home this evening. Thus my curiosity was piqued.

It turns out that Tennessee has several collegiate specialty plates for its citizens to choose from, and the kicker is that only about half of them are of Tennessee-based schools! So you too could put a schizophrenic Tennessee plate on your car, proudly displaying your out-of-town allegiance to Penn State, Ole Miss or Auburn.

What gives? I could almost understand it if they sanctioned specialty plates limited to just SEC schools. But this just seems random. So what if there are plenty of alum from those other schools (which I assume there has to be, for these plates to have been commissioned)? Is Tennessee going to keep adding plates until they've covered every college and university in the country? The plates look weird, fake even.

Florida, sensibly, limits its school specialty plates to in-state schools. Of all places, you'd think Florida would emulate Tennessee's example: Everyone here is from somewhere else.

2004-07-28T20:07:00.000-04:00

SINGING 'BOUT SHAKE-ZULA

I've been watching--and enjoying--my recently-procured copy of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force": Volume Two. Probably a bit too much: Some of the music tracks have been running through my head all day today.

In particular, this one lyric:

Don't forget me, I'm Shake-zula
Nobody badder, and nobody cooler

It's part of the running soundtrack on the "Future Wolf III" special feature, which is actually just a bunch of storyboard sketches of the characters and episodes in development (don't ask who Future Wolf is, or what happened to Parts I and II).

I think the main reason that little bit is echoing in my head is because the singing voice sounds somewhat like Isaac Hayes' Chef character, deep and booming. I know it's not, but I can't shake the feeling.

Of course, the above lyrics are an alternate to those from the ATHF main theme, specifically the ones pertaining to Master Shake:

Shake-zula, the mic rulah, the old schoolah
You wanna trip, I'll bring it to ya

My friend Kirby misheard the song and thought it said "Shake-zilla". I've been trying to swerve him back to reality, but he's having none of it.

"Shake-zilla, the mic killa"? Now that's just crazy talk.

2004-07-27T22:17:00.000-04:00

ST. PETE'S BLACK-CLAD GIRLS
Downtown Clearwater has its hordes of uniformed Scientologists. To counter, St. Petersburg has its Aveda Institute girls, who stick out like sore thumbs in their ever-present all-black uniforms.

Hardly any of the Aveda students that I've seen strolling up and down 3rd Street are model-quality. In fact, half of them remind me of goth chicks, sans the grotesque makeup (which would never fly for aspiring cosmetologists). But given the choice, I'll easily take them over the L. Ron Hubbard-heads.

How much of a fixture are they? Their image is starting to worm its way into restaurant reviews:

Again, yes. Ratchada, named for a busy Bangkok thoroughfare has already done that. Credit goes to Liam and Pat Mahapirom, veteran local restaurateurs, and a hip young crew that wears as much black as the Aveda student body - and as smartly.

At this rate, the Aveda sightings will be noted in Fodors.

2004-07-27T21:25:00.000-04:00

SUBWAY FOR SALE
Practically, anyway. New York's Metropolitan Transit Authority has officially put out the call for corporate sponsorship opportunities on the city's subways, buses and other transportation infrastructure. So that means more advertising signage in millions of people's faces.

While I'm sure this will set many a nerve on end, I don't think it's an earth-shattering decision. The divide was crossed practically from Day One of the IRT, when adspace was sold inside cars routinely. This is just more of the same, so it shouldn't be perceived as a desecration of hallowed ground.

2004-07-27T21:01:00.000-04:00

C-8... VIAGRA!

In Japan, you can buy just about anything via vending machines. In China, they put that notion to the test: A buck-eighty will dispense a four-pack of generic Viagra pills.

It sure would suck if that packet got stuck on the way down. What would be the alternative, chewing gum?

2004-07-27T19:53:00.000-04:00

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER
Like most workplaces, mine posts companywide notices when certain positions are newly filled. So it did recently, when one of the higher-ups got a new executive assistant.

The memo introduced the new hire, named Gina (or something that begins with a "G"; I likely never will have to deal with her, so whatever), and described her professional background at length. To wrap up, it mentioned that she's married to her husband Stephen, and that they have two children.

The name of the children? Get ready: Stephen and Stephanie.

Husband named Stephen, and both boy and girl offspring get named after big daddy. Issues, anyone?

Reminds me of ex-NFL cornerback Deion "Prime Time" Sanders, who named his son Deion Jr. and his daughter Deiondra. Of course, both families would have to take great strides to match boxing great George Foreman, who named all five of his sons, and two of his five daughters, George. But at least Foreman had a practical explanation:

"I called them all George because I was worried that when I was older I might suffer from memory loss. I would have called my five girls George, too, but my wife said she thought that was overkill. When one of them is naughty, I shout 'George!' and that one knows who I mean. The only time it is awkward for me is when a teacher calls up and says, 'We have a problem with George,' and I have to ask them which one."

2004-07-26T22:54:00.000-04:00

AQUA TEEN QUOTE O' THE MOMENT

"People like me... Because I force them to! With violence!"

- Travis of the Cosmos, during his mall job interview, in "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" episode No. 24, "Super Spore".

2004-07-26T22:43:00.000-04:00

ABSURDIST THOUGHT OF THE EVENING
We all know of the delightful seasoning called ginger. Why, then, is there no corresponding spice called Mary Ann?

Chew on that one.

2004-07-26T19:57:00.000-04:00

DONKEY TIME IN BOSTON
The 2004 Democratic National Convention kicks off tonight.

Gee, I wonder who they'll nominate?

Despite the decreased coverage from the major networks, there'll be ample TV time for political junkies. I'm sure CNN, Fox News and other news channels will have their cameras beaming from Beantown, and one of my local PBS stations apparently will be providing gavel-to-gavel coverage.

It's nice to know it'll be available, as I assume it will be for the RNC in New York next month. But I'm not going to be watching; the day-after analysis will be more than enough. If you don't know what the score is by now, these made-for-TV pep rallies aren't going to enlighten you a whole lot.

The new media wrinkle at this year's conventions, of course, will be the blogger angle. I maintain that the blogs aren't going to report anything of substance; but for those interested, Blogdigger has compiled a handy listing of all the bloggers at the DNC in Boston.

UPDATE: Poynter's Steve Outing adds a list of journalist/newspaper blogs at the convention. Of course, to some, the idea of established media professionals and organizations running weblogs is counter to the very spirit of unadulterated blogging. It goes back to whether you consider a blog to be a format or a genre.

2004-07-26T19:31:00.000-04:00

WHY UNMASK THE SUPERHEROES?

The following post contains some minor spoilers for Spider-Man 2, now in theaters. None of them are essential to the plot, so they won't give anything important away. Furthermore, the movie's been out for a month now, so I'm going to assume that most readers have already seen it, or else have no intention of seeing it (at least until it comes out on video or cable, in which case you should expect to have several details revealed to you).

Read on:

Why do the writers/directors of today's superhero movies insist on having their heroes reveal their secret identities? In Spider-Man 2, Peter Parker pulls off the Spidey mask in front of, literally, a whole trainload of people (which includes a little kid from his Queens neighborhood, who knows him), his nemesis Doctor Octopus, his nascent enemy Harry Osborne, and Mary Jane Parker. About the only people he doesn't blow his secret to is Aunt May and J. Jonah Jameson!

This isn't the only superhero movie, nor even the only superhero sequel, to do this. Batman Returns, which I otherwise love for its delving into identity crisis and duality, took the same willy-nilly approach toward keeping the Batman identity secret. It pissed me off then, and Spider-Man 2 succeeded in pissing me off on this again.

I don't get it. One of the basic story principles in the comics is that these dual identity situations are maintained at all costs, for years/decades on end. I realize that in the age of surveillance cameras, satellite photography, voice analysis and DNA detection, the idea of someone like Spider-Man keeping a secret identity truly secret is highly unlikely. Still, I'm willing to suspend my disbelief in order to let the premise move forward.

Yet in the movies, the hero seems to be aching to tell anyone and everyone about his supposedly crucial secret. The motivation behind keeping that identity under wraps--to protect loved ones, as well as to keep a functional private life--is quickly forgotten.

What is it about the celluloid medium that brings this on? Obviously, the director and/or writers seems to feel it's important to introduce this element into the story. But why? Is it that hard for them to keep the two identities distinct during storytelling? If it's possible in the comic books, it's possible in the movies.

Note that all this face-time for the non-heroic alter-egos for both Spider-Man and Batman took place in the sequels, after super-successful first editions. Given this, I half-suspect that the stars in both cases lobbied hard and long to get more of their unmasked visages onscreen in the follow-up movies. I'd think this would be accomplished in scenes where Peter Parker and Bruce Wayne are going about their everyday lives. But if you consider that the maximum amount of time in these action films go to the costumed-hero sequences, it makes sense that the stars' wishes would have to be accomodated by having them show off their mugs while partially clad in their superhero duds.

In sum, I'm tired of it. Tell the stars to screw themselves and make them keep their masks on. Doing so might keep them from being typecast for the rest of their careers, so they should be thankful.

2004-07-25T22:32:00.000-04:00

ENTREPRENEURS: JUST WANNA BE FREE
Why does someone become an entrepreneur? When lauding the virtues of entrepreneurship, part of the profile usually includes the possession of an outside-the-box idea that simply can't be properly brought to market by an established, hide-bound, risk-averse company. Yet the latest annual global survey by the Global Entrepreneurship Monitor indicate that the majority of start-ups are launched around a well-established product or service that's already being supplied to the market.

Thus, the question arises: What's the real motivation for entrepreneurs?

The Reuters article by Samuel Fromartz touches on teleological reasons:

"The grass-roots entrepreneurs are companies that take something someone has done before and do it better, or cheaper, or offer better service," [study co-author and professor of entrepreneurship at Babson College Bill Bygrave] said. "That's the core of the economy."

And while that may be a motivation, by itself it doesn't make sense for someone to strike out on their own and compete in a market where so many established companies have tremendous advantage. Even if venture capital and other traditional capital providers won't help unless the plan relies on low-risk propositions, risk re-emerges in the rather precarious chances for beating the dominant companies at their own game.

The way I see it, most entrepreneurs strike out on their own for three reasons, in descending order of likelihood:

1. They don't like working for someone else, to the degree that they need to be their own boss.

2. The companies where they honed their expertise are so inflexible that they can't efficiently conduct their core business, leading the entrepreneur to show how it can be done better.

3. Taking the longer-term view: An entrepreneur will launch a start-up in an established niche, with the realization that it will never reach the size of established players in the field. The goal, then, is to build the start-up to a state of critical mass where it become an attractive acquisition candidate by one of the established companies, whereupon the entrepreneurial founder can cash out--which would be the true goal of going solo in the first place.

I'd expect the first two reasons can be found as twin motivations for many freshly-launched small companies. Reason number three is more often the operating plan for those entrepreneurs who are businessmen first, and particular business-niche specialists second--in other words, those who are really in the business of starting businesses rather than any particular trade/service/vocation.

All this mainly applies to just the American business world. The Global Entrepreneurship Monitor's report looks at the entire world, so different business cultures mean different motivations apply. However, I'd bet that the above three reasons are applicable to various degrees everywhere, regardless of country.

So, it seems the usual assumption of innovative spark coming from plucky first-stage companies is largely a business myth. Then again, that small percentage (around 4 percent of the global total) that really does dabble in unique concepts is what makes all the noise, and properly garners all the attention. Even when they eventually get bought up.

2004-07-25T17:49:00.000-04:00

MISTER ICE CREAM
I ventured out to International Plaza this afternoon for a little shopping. While there, I stopped by the Haagen-Dazs store to get a Mint Chip Dazzler. Not being one to eat my ice cream sundae while running, I plopped myself into a plush chair just outside the food court area to enjoy my frozen treat.

A couple of minutes after sitting down and spooning the Dazzler, a dark-haired little boy of about 8 ran up to me, pointed to my cup and asked, "Ice cream...?"

I sensed a Latin American accent. I responded, "Yes, mint chocolate chip!"

"Here?" he asked, still pointing at the cup. He wanted to know if I had, indeed, gotten the ice cream in the mall.

"Yes, just back that way," I answered, and pointed back toward the food court.

He beamed a big smile, nodded, and took off. As he was running away behind me, I could hear him start to beg his mom for some ice cream.

I went back to eating my Dazzler. For the remaining five minutes it took me to finish the thing, I heard at least two other passers-by remark about how good that Dazzler looked, and how they needed to get some ice cream. I caught at least a couple of others staring at the cup for several seconds while walking along. All were heading in the direction of the food court and the Haagen-Dazs store.

So by my figuring, my few minutes of sitting there eating that Mint Chip Dazzler served as super-effective advertising for Haagen-Dazs. I might as well have been a spokesmodel. I'm betting the visual I provided resulted in at least two or three direct sales for that ice cream store--maybe more. Not to mention the brand exposure, which would undoubtedly lead to later store and grocery purchases.

As I pondered this, I thought about heading back to the Haagen-Dazs store, explaining all this, and asking for a proper commission for my work. But by then, I had finished the Dazzler, started feeling a little queasy, and decided to finish up my shopping and leave.